deepsouthsports.net

Blogging: My Evil Temptress

2010-02-05T09:48:00.015-06:00

I've been meaning to do this for a while. Previous readers have inquired, "what has happened?"

some light background music while this post melts your face

As I browse through the frivolous, detached good times I've enjoyed at this URL since 2006, there are many things I will miss about blogging.

The creative outlet, the cordial back-and-forth amongst fans, the ivory tower from which to objectify coaches wives, embarrass young athletes and shed a penetrating light on the glut of chromosomally-challenged Tiders. Wow. That stuff was a veritable Jelly-o-the-Month-Club (the gift that keeps on giving, all the year round. AKA: comedic gold), but I digress.

I started this gig, a young buck of 25. I was recently unemployed and some might say rudderless. I was looking for an avenue; a reason to get up before 11am. Blogging was my full time job, and I pumped out one, maybe even two blog posts a day, mind you. We're not talking, "Here's a funny youtube clip of another drunk bama skank". We're talking in-depth opinions, actual thought and a lot a "Top Ten" lists. (always a crowd pleaser)

Then things took off. Finebaum took notice, Matt Stafford happened, Alana Collete Connell, Saban, BFOTW, etc. Business was good. Real good. I even earned a few psychotic, comment stalkers and over 1K hits per day.

Did I say good? Actually business was not good, because minor-league blogging doesn't pay.

Call me the "Crash Davis" of the Blog-o-sphere.

Yeah, I was in the show. I was in the show for 21 days once - the 21 greatest days of my blogging life. You know, in the show you never ask to come on Finebaum's show, somebody calls and asks you. It was great. You get linked on deadspin like every other day, your comment threads take on a life of their own, the hotels all have room service, and the women all have long legs and brains.

Ok, those last two don't apply. Even so, it was time to move on. My life was changing and the blog suffered. But instead of putting DSS out of its misery, signing the DNR and getting on with life, I drug things out. Clinging to the good ole days, like some pseudo-journalistic Brett Favre type asshole.

To do this thing right, it has to be your calling, your lifestyle. Unfortunately, that lifestyle doesn't play nice with the non-internet world: A career, a wife, a kid, not being fat. Something had to give. It was fun while it lasted, but as you know, all good things...

So here we are, saying "good bye". Let's be honest. We've all seen this post coming. It's a mere formality now. Some call it "closure".

Don't think you've heard the last of me though. I'll be around. While you're here, visit the "Best of" DSS to your right and remember me fondly.

In closing: The original BFOTW Stud, looking not awkward

Bama Fan of the Week

2009-09-09T20:09:00.008-06:00

As if this party wasn't already white-trashy enough...

RTR!!!

Who's the Freshman?

2009-08-13T14:36:00.007-06:00

Shots from Ole Miss Two-A-Days

courtesy of the fine photographer at Rebelsports.net

One of these massive gentlemen is a true-freshman OT hopeful while the other is a senior, first team All-SEC OT. Who's who? No cheating, a-hole.

Greg Hardy (86) motions as if to say, "Come hither, young quarterback...for this day, I dine on your soul!" In the background, Jerrell Powe (57) looks on as if to say, "Note to self: I heart Twinkies."

"Wonder what would happen if I ate my mouthpiece?"

Many douchebag cajuns seem to be taken aback by the supposed homoeroticism of the simulated QB/Center exchange prominently displayed on the cover of the SI CFB preview. WTF? Cause LSU fans are so manly and all...

I guess you could call that "manly," in a way

The Kige Party

2009-08-12T13:05:00.005-06:00

Phil Steele's Daddy Gives His SEC Picks

Wow, Kige. Don't ever let anyone tell you those dramatic, mind-numbing pauses aren't killer! And just for the record, I believe Alabama likes to be called "the Crimson Tide"...there was no need for a dramatic pause right there, but you pulled it off beautifully.

Damn you, Kige! Just when I thought everything was going The Rebels' way (Phil Steele's pick, the SI cover, Massie and Tig are in, ) you throw the old wet blanket Ole Miss' season. Talk about locker room material.

Stud Bama Fan of the Week

2009-08-11T11:23:00.006-06:00

A reader submission, captured in the wild...

Daniel says, "note the hair"

How could I not note the hair? An impressive specimen indeed. RTR!!!!1

Two posts in one day...you're welcome.

"More Hype, Please"

2009-08-11T10:40:00.011-06:00

Sports Illustrated - click for a better version and more regional covers

I'm thinking it's time to just embrace the hype with open arms. There's no use fretting over stuff like this anymore ("Does the SI Curse apply to regional covers, or is that the Madden curse?") Be it the top 10 Coaches/SID ranking, the Houston Nutt cover or the reality show. At this point, does it really matter? When does the law of diminishing returns take hold? Maybe Ole Miss goes all "Princess Bride" on that ass. Rebs are to Hype as Westley is to iocane powder.

Bama Fans: "Another cover for Ole Miss? Inconceivable!?!"

["Inconceivable?" Who am I kidding. In the interest of authenticity that caption should read something like "Ole Pi$$?!? Bauuull-****!!! Hey, shut dat damn baby up, I's tryin' to cook meth in here, ya b***h!"]

Phil Steele: Pre-Season God Of Obsure Stats

2009-08-08T10:33:00.007-06:00

Steele brings the funky knowledge that Lindy's and Athlon can only fantasize about. What I love about Phil's mag, is that in this day and age of extreme CFB oversaturation, where we pretty much know 5 minutes after our favorite safety prospect blows a .114 in a stolen car while driving without a license, and the mugshot is subsequently hitting 112 different blogs within the hour...In days where we get constant videos and in-depth reports of every spring practice and at least two first-hand accounts detailing any situation where a 4-star recruit may or may not be scratching his balls.

"Could it be Crabs?! Does his baby's momma know??"

In days such as these, I love that Phil Steele actually manages to tell me stuff I don't know about my team. You know...The one I'm obsessed with. The one I already spend countless hours wasting productivity senselessly studying and dissecting meaningless BS. And he does that for all 119 fanbases out there. Plus the neanderthal followers of Ohio State.

You gotta respect that.

I was at Publix yesterday picking up some bacon, and I happened upon Steele's SEC Preview. (I tried to finagle a copy a couple months ago "as an SEC blogger/promoter" but Steele's email Nazis weren't buyin' it...something about actually updating the site???)

Anyways, In his "Best Case/Worst Case" stat he talks about close wins and close losses from 2008.

I find it interesting that last season, Ole Miss' best case scenario was 13-0 (because the Rebs never got beat by a large margin) and our worse case was 7-6 (because they only won two close games: Ark and Florida)

On the other hand, Alabama's best case is 12-2 (their actual record) because they had two big losses to close the season. Their worse case was was 9-5 as they had three close wins (Kentucky, LSU, OM).

What are the chances of Alabama achieving their best case scenario again? Usually the truth lies somewhere in between worst and best. These people calling for Alabama to go 12-0 again (#5 in the coaches? how so?) are effing crazy. In my mind, they're like Mississippi state in 2008: The year before, all the breaks went their way, and they made the Liberty bowl. Well, the next year, the ball didn't bounce their way near as often. (4-8)

Ole Miss won 2 of 6 close games last season. Lets say win conservative 4 of 6 (.667) this season. I'd be ok with a 10 win regular season.

Again, if you want real insights into college football, look no further. If you want to rely on a bunch of glorified PE Teachers who don't watch the games, don't do their homework and most of the time don't even do the effing voting, check out the new pre-season USA Today Poll.

LSU at #9 above Ole Miss, really??

"The Blindside" Trailer - Don't Cry at Work

2009-08-03T21:41:00.010-06:00

I'm somewhat impressed. I thought it would be a trainwreck, considering Orgeron is directly involved. He doesn't exactly have the Midas touch when it comes to acting or, well talking. Who knows though. Trailers can be very deceiving.

The director and producers didn't seem too overly concerned with messy details like authenticity and realism since they filmed the "true story" of a kid from Memphis and Ole Miss in Atlanta and GA Tech. However I'm sure the ghettos of Atlanta are pretty much interchangeable with crapholes of Memphis. The only part of Briarcrest Christian School (my high school's rival/bitch) that comes through on the big screen is their colors ("Crusaders" or "Saints"...same thing).

I'm wondering what Michael Lewis thinks about the fluffization of his best selling novel, other than "Dolla, dolla billz, yall" cause no matter what, it's gonna make some serious cash...a la ~~Paul Blart, Mall Cop~~ "We are...Marshall."

Alright, count me in, and bring the Kleenex.

Man of the People

2009-07-23T17:35:00.002-06:00

"F%$& that, lady. No, I will not shake your icky, nicotine encrusted, yellowy hand. Although, I looove that purse...where did you get it!?!"

"Welcome to The Nicest Hotel in Birmingham, AL"

2009-07-23T17:16:00.005-06:00

"Congratulations...You've got lice."

hat tip: Team Speed Kills

Overheard in the lobby of The Wynfrey at Media days:

"Is you still a virgin if you sex ur sister?"

Need more pictures of unemployed media day groupies.

Seriously?! The guy on the left is an SEC head coach?

2009-04-12T10:48:00.007-06:00

Peyton poses with a star camper at the recent "Manning Passing Academy"

WTF? And Yankee NFL fans make fun of Elisha for looking like a douchey little brother?

"Um...Love what Layla's done with the place, Lane."

[Clay Travis]

The Kige Party: Masters Edition

2009-04-11T09:54:00.002-06:00

"A Tradition Like Any Other"

Kige has really come into his own lately. He's like a young Dave Rowe paired with the wit and timing of a seasoned Harry Caray. Enjoy...

[halpert @ nafoom]

Crack Rock for the Rebel Soul

2009-03-29T11:26:00.010-06:00

RebelFootball2000 put together this heart warming 2008 compilation, which is almost bittersweet as we toil though the spring and summer doldrums. As the cherry on top of this video's awesomeness, how uplifting is that totally wholesome and pure 1980's synthesized motivational music?

NFL QBs Beware: Peria Jerry (#98) is a bad MOFO

Oh, and here's the 2009 version of the Rebs (minus the freshmen) on the second day of Spring-ball, preparing to dominate what has to be the easiest SEC football schedule every assembled Thanks, Pete...

[insidethegrove]

Who Wouldn't Want to Spend 5 Years With Nick Saban?

2009-03-28T09:31:00.015-06:00

When Saban doesn't get a recruit, he in no way acts (or looks) like a spoiled seven-year-old, deprived of his "woobie."

As few may know, yesterday was the first day of spring practice for the Ole Miss Rebels, which was open to the public. It just so happens that somehow Beast/Child 5-Star Hargrave recruit, Bobby Massie was in attendance, on the sidelines with the Rebel proletariat.

cameraphone-o-graphic evidence of the aforementioned beast (provided by crazed Rebel fan)

Naturally, Bobby was assaulted with fanboy questions. However, one question in particular yielded some interesting bits of tid:

He was asked to give a good Nick Saban recruiting story, and he had a pretty good one to say the least. Bobby said he called Coach Saban the night before signing day to let him know that he was going to sign with Ole Miss. Bobby did not even inform the Ole Miss staff that he was going to be a Rebel until the night before signing day, per Bobby, but he did say, "I had a pretty good idea where I was going in December."

Anyway, Bobby calls Nick and Coach Saban stops him before he tells where he is going and said this, "Bobby, do not even tell me where you are going, because if you are not going to Alabama I am turning you into the NCAA. You know you have a chance to start at Alabama at right tackle as a sophomore, and nobody would turn that down unless they did something illegal."

Bobby was stunned. He said he just listened to Coach Saban rant and never said another word about it. He was offended to say the least. That is why he made such a scene at the press conference when he threw the Alabama hat on the ground and put on an Ole Miss hat.

"A chance at starting Right Tackle as a Sophomore with the ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE"!!! Excuse me while I soil myself. How did Massie ever resist that tricky little leprechaun?

Damn it's a great time to be a college football fan in the South. Especially with Dr. Evil living and working just down I-20/59. Even though Nick closed out with one of the strongest signing days in the nation, apparently the world is not enough to satisfy the Prince of Darkness.

[Note: I've confirmed the validity of this "rumor" with the source, as it was told, by Bobby, to a dozen or so fans/media at the first spring practice.]

Update, March 3: According to Ian Rapaport, Bobby denies it...Kinda. He admits he's read the post, but he doesn't go into detail about what is true or false. He does admit talking to Saban the night before signing day (like it says above), and he does admit that he never told Saban he was going to Ole Miss (like it says above). He just says "my words got switched around," so take that for what it's worth.

Sounds to me like someone at Ole Miss asked Massie to kindly "shut up" and put this in the past. I'm thinking young Bobby just learned a valuable lesson in fan/media relations.

Holy Crap (the remix)

2009-03-20T09:16:00.005-06:00

If you haven't seen the original, uncut version of this assault on intelligence, well check here. All I can say is "WTF?" Throughout the Rodger Clemens hearings, the Free The Hops effort here in Alabama and crap like this, it's a wonder our government can manage to wipe its collective ass.

U.S. (really?!?) Congresswoman Corrine Brown

Corrine's Wiki

"How'd your big pro-day go, Andre?"

2009-03-12T16:44:00.012-06:00

My first Lol-effort. You're welcome. A bigger (nightmare fuel) image, if you dare.

- The story
- the "i can has cheezburger" original

Bama Fan of the Week - Ninjin' Edition

2009-01-30T11:16:00.003-06:00

I usually hate stuff like this, but this dude is effing impressive. He takes over-the-top redneckery and turns it on its ear...whatever the hell that means. He's everything "the cowboy" wants to be when he grows up...

[ridgereb84]

Texas Comes Strong With The Oklahoma Smack...

2009-01-22T15:44:00.004-06:00

This is a revelation. The Big XII is making fun of itself, and doing a damn fine job. Funnier than anything I've seen on SNL lately, those no-talent-ass-clowns.

Laughing at Stoops' Pain

2009-01-09T13:08:00.008-06:00

click to enlarge

How To Beat Florida

2009-01-08T13:49:00.005-06:00

by Houston Nutt

Son of a bee-sting. I can't get enough of those highlights. Yep, some of the best plays of the season that Holly, over at EDSBS, strangely left out of her 2008 highlight video?

[HT: SSMUND]

Dan Hawkins Was Wrong: The Big XII is Intramurals, Brother

2009-01-07T15:36:00.004-06:00

TheWiz asked for me for my "official" prediction of the big game (I'm feeling generous):

Florida 45
Oklahoma 27 (including garbage TD)

Florida is gonna play its game and score at will against the # 58 ranked scoring defense. We've all seen what the Big XII South is really comprised of...

[TheWizOfOdds Composite Prediction Post]

Instant Classics

2009-01-07T13:00:00.001-06:00

[NC Tigah]

[sawfiddle]

BCS Sucks: O-H...I-O for 2

2009-01-06T06:00:00.005-06:00

Once again, the BCS blows. There, I said it. Oh, and crazy I know...but the state of Ohio goes 0-2. Cincinnati got beat by the best the ACC had to offer (8-4) Virginia Tech, in the lowest TV rated BCS game ever. People didn't even show up for the game...It wasn't close to a sell out.

Then tonight we get this flaming turd between the clearly overrated Flag Football Fluffers of Texas and the extremely boring, extremely ineffective honkies from tOSU. Thanks Bowl Championship Series!

Hey, it may have looked like like two Gumps humping a door knob for three quarters, but at least it was a close one, right? "The Big Twelve South and its amazing offenses of doom" is the biggest World Wide Leader fraud ever passed on the college football public.

I'm calling it right here: Florida is going to straight up murder Oklahoma's ass. I'm talking a 52-17 homicide. (it's gonna be like that old SNL skit with garden hose-style projective vomit everywhere on the OU sideline) It's gonna be yet another embarrassingly bad championship game match up that further fuels my playoff fire/hate for all things BCS.

- Leagues that should not get an automatic bid to the BCS:

Big 10 - 0-2 this season. Penn State got destroyed. The top two programs, OSU and Michigan, haven't won their last 3 appearance. Overall: 8-11 (.421)

Big 12 - How do you think Chokelahoma earned its nick name? 2 wins and 4 losses, not counting this weeks impending championship game embarrassment. Texas is the only team pulling the wagon with a 3-0 BCS record. Overall: 7-8 (.467)

ACC - Wow. This league is nothing but a punchline. Karma's a bitch after the ACC raided the Big East and C-USA to compete with the "big boys." Too bad they suck worse than ever. Make that "parody's a bitch." It's not just Florida State and a bunch of nobodies anymore. It's strictly nobodies. When your "champion" lost 4 games, you should withdraw from the BCS on moral grounds you selfish assholes. Overall: 2-9 (.182) Damn.

Meanwhile, Utah's got the Mountain West 2-0 in BCS games (that's 1.000 for those BCS apologists out there). Even the Wiggity-WAC has a better BCS record than the above conferences (1-1, .500). If you're wondering, the SEC is 11-5 (.688).

The NCAA needs to step in and do what's best for College Football. Put this pathetic excuse for a post season out of its misery.

[BCS Stats]

RedSoloCup PWNS Texas Tech Again

2009-01-05T18:09:00.005-06:00

Friends of the Blog (FOTBs) RedSoloCup do a fantastic job rubbing it in...

By the way, where do you see Ole Miss ranked to start the 2009 season? This no-name a-hole says #6, just below the Tide. Damn I miss SEC football.

LSU's Got Some Awesome Nerds

2009-01-05T16:54:00.011-06:00

Who knew LSU students stopped listening to techno, drinking gasoline and gelling their hair long enough to come up with such an outstanding idea as this? LSU Nerds play Quidditch...

LSU offers many sports other than just football. Some involve a track or a court, but one unique sport requires a broomstick.

Quidditch was invented by British author J.K. Rowling in her Harry Potter book series. However, fans of the movie have taken this sport into their own hands— or, rather, feet—and made it come alive.

Last May, several students in the Honors College started an LSU Quidditch team. The original members were mainly Harry Potter fans, but the team has grown and includes a diverse crowd of about twenty members.

The LSU team hasn’t let the lack of flying broomsticks or a snitch stop them from a season of success, they’ve merely adapted to the muggle version—the game for non-wizards and witches. They run with broomsticks between their legs, but are still chasing after the snitch and heading toward the goals.

“Aside from the lack of flying, not much else is different than wizard Quidditch,” said Dustin Harless, Quidditch team president. “Muggle Quidditch has an additional bludger and the snitch is an actual person who evades the seekers.”

The snitch is picked based on his endurance and ability to run fast—he or she dresses in yellow and has a long sock with a tennis ball inside it tucked into the back of his or her shorts. The seekers must pull the sock out of the waistband without knocking the snitch off his or her feet.

“Since the snitch technically is not a person [in the original game], the snitch cannot be fouled, “said English senior Sarah Berard. “We do not have flying broomsticks…yet. We just keep the broomsticks between our legs at all times to keep the wizarding feeling a part of the game.”

Wow. It's all fun and games until someone gets a magical broomstick in the ass. Watch your cornhole, Tigers. Or maybe I'm missing the point.

I guess if Bama's got A Bass Fishing National Championship...Kids are playing collegiate paintball, why not let these no-coordination ass-clowns have some fun? I can't wait for NCAA LARPing to catch fire.

WTF? Wait, LSU has an "Honors College"? I think that should be the real story here. Apart from the blatant nerdery mentioned above, this is far more disturbing. Honestly...What is required of an LSU student to gain entry into said honors college?

"Your academic marks and community service are unparalleled, Mr. Babineaux. Kudos to you, sir! However, before we can recommend you to the Honors College here at Louisiana State, we must have you, shotgun this pint of SoCo and slide tater-first across those Abita soaked tables..."

[HT: OxpatchReb]

The Single-Wide Wrangler

2009-01-04T00:13:00.009-06:00

What am I missing here? Did The Cowboy always have this sweet assed mullet, or did he just recently acquire it in some kind of stereotype fulfillment program?

Well, another sidewalk Bama fan bites the dust. No more Tider talk? What, with the Basketball season's just heating up? Womens Gymnastics and the Bass Fishing team are coming off outstanding recruiting classes, I'm sure. Damn. What am I gonna do for cheap content? Kige's over here shitting the bed...Guess I might have to really try and write something. Thanks assholes.

Bell Effers Smoked By Belle Effers

2009-01-02T22:33:00.009-06:00

Read: #7 Texas Tech PWNED by #25 Ole Miss

RING DING DONG you cocky Napoleonic Texas Tech a-holes...

Guns Up, Bitch!

["Bell/Belle" line courtesy of oxpatchreb]

Saban just got back from one of those Tacky Christmas Sweater parties

2008-12-30T10:30:00.007-06:00

Note: You can blame AL.com video for the craptastic formatting eff ups...hope you had a merry Christmas

Yeah, I know Tiders.

"That sweeter cost more then yure life, barner!"

Even so, lil' Saban looks like my kid nephew at the candlelight Christmas Eve service.

Except my nephew wouldn't look so gosh damn nervous, and pissed all the damn time. Even after Nick's 12-1 season, he still looks as verbally constipated as ever in front of the assembled media...with hate in every shrug of his shoulders, smerk of his evil mouth and repeated utterance of "relative to."

How could you not love this guy? RTR.

By the way, this video was taken on the 28th, so maybe the yet to be disclosed Andre Smith decision was weighing heavily on Saban's alleged soul. Hey, but who gives an eff about that guy? "Andre the Giant" was one of Shula's no-talent recruits, right? On to bigger and better things.

Tider Porn - Happy New Year

SEC: Still the Best

2008-12-21T13:08:00.006-06:00

So, the SEC was a little "top heavy" (much like your mother) this season with Florida, Alabama, Georgia and Ole Miss leading the way, but is that necessarily a bad thing? The SEC's about to embarrass the best of the rest (The Big XII) on a national stage this January. Enjoy yo-self.

Bama Sex Worker of the Week

2008-12-19T08:21:00.012-06:00

Leslie R. Parker - making all your Mike Price/Mike Dubose fantasies come true

And no, Alana Colete Connell was not listed among the alleged SabaNation Street-Walker Society. Get your mind out of gutter, Barner...

Montgomery police arrested seven women and three men during a prostitution sting Wednesday.

The detail targeted prostitutes who conduct their operations using the Internet or telephone, police said.

Undercover officers were able to set up meetings with women at a hotel in the area.

The possibilities are pretty much endless here.

"Yes, Maam...What package? ... Oh, I'll start off with the SJPW 'Bama Bangs', with a side of 'The Snake' and...hmmm... does that include The Namath 'I wanna kiss you'?"

Link: Not a Julia Roberts in this bunch

[HT: Keith]

Big Ten Fan Sees The Light, kinda

2008-12-15T10:52:00.005-06:00

"Go Mississippi"?

Something tells me, headless dude's Ole Miss fandom will be short lived. "Soul Crushing Fail" is Col. Reb's middle name. (Remember this, or this?!)

Bama Fan of the Week

2008-12-08T11:12:00.008-06:00

Little known Van Zant sister, Tina is an avid supporter of the Tide as well as Bass Pro Shop Grand Openings [HT: Darren]

Another excellent reader submission for you. Keep up the strong recon, Darren. I've been warned that the new Bass Pro Shop in Leeds, AL is a veritable cornucopia of crimson comedy. (It's either bass pro, or some random Boat/Outdoors show at the BJCC) However, I never expected this.

Is that even considered a mullet anymore? Ladies, you tell me. It looks like it could be on a Pantene commercial. What do you make of shim?

Edit:

An embarrassment of riches this week. As opposed to posting a third "BFOTW" in three days, I'll simply slip in this lovely reader submitted pic of a prosperous and permed pachyderm...

Somebody's bringing sexy back, and this ain't no proletariat-mullet either [see: top of the post]. Check out that watch, MFer! Notice the hair product. You think he just falls out of his custom, heart shaped water-bed looking like that?

According to our reader, this 80's holdover scored himself some prime-time seats at the Iron Bowl. Interesting...

"Erik, This guy was sitting next to me at the Iron Bowl... Wonderful mullet, Kentucky [ and/or Tuscaloosa] Waterfall like you wouldn't believe, maybe the best part is that this dude was sitting on the 50yd line."

Major credit, Phil. These couldn't be Auburn fans sitting in this Tide Pride section, right? Does this mean Tiders are starting to eat their own?

Serious College Football Analysis: SEC Championship

2008-12-06T12:00:00.006-06:00

A little Ole Miss love at the SEC Championship game. Thanks, Tider [Credit: Jason, the sign's author]

How Florida Wins:

Challenge Bama's weak link secondary; throw deep, intermediate, often
Off tackle rushing game
Screens
Win the turnovers

How Bama Wins:

Old school grind it out football. Marathon, not a sprint mentality on offense
Stop the run and force turnovers. Disciplined D - Don't give up big plays
JPW has to step up at some point and win the game

Enough of that football talk, check out these classy Bama fans courtesy of TheWizardofOdds:

One of the famed "Houndstooth Twins" working "the strip" for that ticket

PSA: this kid scares the crap out of me

"Hey, could you not take a picture of my cigarette...I don't wanna nobody thinkin' I'm trashy"

Note to self: Start making really retarded tee-shirts. Sell them in Tuscaloosa.

"play some Skynard!!!"

The Kige Party

2008-12-01T14:08:00.002-06:00

Kige Kringle sets us all straight on the BCS with earth-shattering analysis as well as totally not regurgitated thoughts and views on the controversial "Big South Conference" championship game. Keep on rockin' in the free world, Kige...

If You'd Like to Play Ole Miss in A Bowl Game, Please Stand Up

2008-12-01T13:08:00.005-06:00

This is what you have to look forward to...

Yeah, the music gets a bit repetitive. Who knew little Ole Miss could play with such swagger?

Bowl possibilities:

Capital One (in Orlando) vs. Ohio State or Michigan State: I would love for Ole Miss to be the third SEC team in as many years to embarrassed that sweater-vested douchebag from THE Ohio State. This is a dream scenario. Michigan State isn't sexy in the least, but they could say goodbye to that running game (The SEC's MSU had negative 51 yards rushing in the Egg bowl)

Cotton Bowl vs. Texas Tech: This would also be a fun matchup. Tons of effeminate Ole Miss fans are skeerd of the likes of TTU, because pass defense is not exactly the Rebs specialty, but I say Peria Jerry would eat a piece of that dainty little Graham Harrell's soul every time he dropped back and jumped around the backfield. I say bring it. Land Sharks, baby.

Bama Fan of the Week - Jackpot

2008-11-26T10:07:00.006-06:00

What is with kickass rednecks lately?

Smokin' indoors, drink beer, gettin effed up, havin' awesome hair, listening to some metal tunes and talkin' Crimson Tide football.

Damn right. Generally livin' the dream. RTR!

[warning: foul language and general neckery]

Tigah Fans Emote

2008-11-26T09:23:00.007-06:00

"man...I'm high as a kite"

so expressive these Tigahs. Now here's some white lady goes all Emily Dickinson on yo ass...

An Ole Miss win? Who'd a thunk it?
Looks like LSU just decided to chunk it!
They booed Jarrett Lee
And Jefferson wasn't the key-
LSU clearly did flunk it!!

I'm looking for someone to blame
I want no excuse that is considered lame.
The whole game was bad
Tiger fans are mad
Cuz now Mud has to be our name.

Saturday Ole Miss played the best.
I hate losing, it makes me depressed
But you can book it that Anne
Is a true Tiger fan-
And next year will be a Tiger success!!!

- Anne S.

I feel your pain LSU fans. Mine was called "Ed 'The Shrimper'Orgeron."

Kige is Scary as Hell

2008-11-02T20:58:00.003-06:00

After purchasing that revamped seasonal set and that "costume" on his head, I'm surprised Kige's folks can keep the lights on. I also love how you can see the wheels turning as he becomes "Scary Kige." Well played, Ramsey.

Cowboy > Kige?

2008-10-31T13:46:00.005-06:00

It seems our new acquaintance Cowboy is ridin' his "beat that ass" Fat Phil, Tennessee video all the way to the top. Deadspin, roundtableradio... I've even seen folks linking to it on facebook. The original video has almost 70,000 views, for Kige's sake. Move over Ramsey. Don't miss the interview of the century...

Bama Fans and Indoor Smoking...goes together like Bear Bryant and Classyness

Weekly Geekage

2008-10-31T13:08:00.007-06:00

"Happy Halloween, aight"

Wow...back from rough academic week...I apologize for the lack of southern white trash stereotype upholding and perpetuating content as of late. There's only so many hours in day. Even so, one guy I'll always willing to make time for is, the master of CFB wagering entertainment, The Geek. Lovin' that Ole Miss/Auburn prediction!

7-0, 6-1, 7-3…that's the last 3 weeks, and I won't even bitch about the 50% of those losses that should have been wins. We've been on an unbelievable tear of late, and are looking to keep the good times rollin'. We are about 80% of the way thru this weeks analysis, and have about 15 games we are really focused in on.

My guess at a couple of the SEC games that didn't make the cut for us:

I'm for sure not getting behind Nallsminger and their inept group here, as I'm not convinced they're capable of scoring anything of late, and they way their D is playing leaves me to believe their 38-24 scoring advantage over their offense vs SEC competition might come to an end sooner than later. Still the math shows AU with a slight advantage over Ole Miss on a yppl advantage, but Nutt has owned Dumbo of late, so I think this 3 Daves match up is best left alone…Ole Miss 25 AU 22 (for shits and giggles we'll say Auburn gets to 22 with 4 FGs, 1 special teams TD, one 2 pt conversion, and 1 AU defensive safety), The Nutts rush for close to 200 yards off, but can't quite put the War Eaglers away.

UT is probably now the only team in the SEC worse than AU, and it shows this week v. Darth Visor. Still, the USC QB du-jour this week throws the customary 2 INTs to keep this somewhat close…Cocks 21 UT 15

And now for our little nugget of the week…

02:00PM	335	Tulsa Golden Hurricanes	6.5
Saturday 11/01/2008	336	Arkansas Razorbacks

I can pretty much reuse the analysis from last week on the Ole Miss-Ark game, as the same situations are at play here but with the #1 offense in the nation (literally) vs the #60 (to save the ass-hole that actually looks up what Ole Miss's offensive rank is please save it as that is just a guess)…the reality is Ark is still very bad, and was extremely fortunate to cover last week vs an Ole Miss O not even in the same planet as Tulsa's offense that is averaging over 600 yards offense a game and nearly 56 ppg. Arkansas's defense is about average (-0.2 yppl), and stands no chance vs a Tulsa offense torching everyone this year (see above). Arkansas's offenses owns a slight 0.4 yppl advantage on offense, but no where near enough to keep up with Tulsa's +1.6 yppl or +2.7 ypa advantage on offense or their projected 10.5 ypa or 550 (7.6 yypl) yards total offense. My math calls for between 40-53 points for Tulsa, which is right in line with the models.

Arkansas isn't very good and even vs some suspect defensive SEC competition of late (Ole Miss, UK, and Auburn) has only averaged 21 ppg. Tulsa's defense has its issues, but not near enough to surrender 35+ which is what they'll need to surrender here in order for the Pigtrino's to stand a chance. Tulsa's defense is slightly worse than average (-0.3 yppl), but I can't see an Arkansas Offense that hasn't scored more than 28 all season long doing much here in a game where they barely project a meaningful statistical advantage (+0.4 yypl on offense). Our models are split half and half with 30/29 and 22/23 for Arkansas…heck, give them the high side of 30, and take the lowest offensive output for Tulsa this year and we have a 37-30 squeaker. Consider Tulsa's hit 50+ 5 of 7 game and 49+ 6 of 7 games and look to outgain Arkansas 550-390 yards total offense, I don't really mind laying the TD on the mid-major vs the big ugly SEC team. Tulsa 44 Arkansas 25

[geeksheetsports]

Ouch.

2008-10-27T13:33:00.002-06:00

Wish I could do this on a wakeboard...

Saban nods his approval after Maze's "selfish" celebration penalty last week.

Sleeveless in Sylacauga?

2008-10-27T11:57:00.004-06:00

It seems Jamezzz ain't the only drunk and lonely Tider crying out for attention on a Saturday night. NoShame's actually got some stiff competition here. No, this self proclaimed "cowboy" ain't from Sylacuaga...He's actually from Tennessee (but he don't like no orange). He's a lifetime Tider that's "only been watchin' Bama for a while." I'm torn...

[warning: profanity laced with excessive facial hair]

Who's wins this Neck-off? I put it to a vote on your right.

[nafoom]

Bama Fan of the Week: "NoShameJamezzz"

2008-10-24T14:38:00.008-06:00

If you Wikipedia "The Alabama Fan Stereotype," this is that guy. And If you've ever wondered what a stoned, middle-aged Tider does on a Saturday night, well you are in luck, my friend. RTR, Mr. Jamezzz...

[warning: profane and unkempt]

[more Classic Jamezzz!]
[this video is labeled "Comedy"]

What Saith The Geek?

2008-10-23T19:35:00.009-06:00

Booger approves this message

My apologies to The Geek. I received this post at 5:47am (that's one hard working dude) and didn't get it up on the site till about 9:30pm. My bad. Doesn't make it any less awesome though...

We had another great week at TheGeekSheet, going 6-1 on our recommended plays, including a pretty easy winner on the free nugget we gave you all last week with Nebraska destroying Iowa State. We are now a paltry 13-1 the last two weeks, with our only loss coming on Stanford last week when UCLA marched 87 yards with 2 minutes to go, scoring with 15 seconds to go…but hey, you can’t win ‘em all right. We actually have two recommended plays this week on SEC games, which doesn’t happen often for us as we tend to be overtly critical about SEC games, including a play on the ole hotty totties (the other game is the UGA-LSU game). Click here for our recommend plays this week, hell it’s only $40 bucks, which doesn’t even cover the cost of your case of beer and bottle of boone’s farm for the old naggin hen.

08:00PM	181	Penn State Nittany Lions	2
Saturday 10/25/2008	182	Ohio State Buckeyes

Ohio State continues to be very bad on offense, averaging only 322 ypg (5.1 yppl), which is even worse considering they’ve done it vs average at best defenses (otherwise allowing 362 ypg @ 5.3 yppl). Even last week in their 45 pts showing, they only racked up 332 yards offense and had it not been for 5 MSU turnovers would have been lucky to post much more than 24. Much is made about how good OSUs defense is (which they are as they are only allowing 4.3 yppl), but statistically speaking PSUs defense is better, allowing only 4.0 yppl and slightly better than OSU vs average (+1.1 yppl for PSU to +1.0 yppl for OSU). PSU is only allowing 11 ppg, and in typical Tressell ball fashion, OSU is defying the odds of what their average score should be considering their paltry total offense and yppl statistics (they are averaging 27 pgg despite just 322 ypg). That is mainly due to a 21-8 turnover margin in favor of OSU (that equates to a little over a 1.5 Turnover / game margin in favor of OSU). If you normalize that and evaluate OSUs offense to PSUs defense we come up with a projection of 10-14 pts for OSU on 242 yards offense (4.0 yppl). Even using the entire season’s statistics we come up with 15-17 points, which is in line with our model projections of 15-20 for the Buckeyes. I noted this in my recap last week, but after the egg PSUs defense laid in the 1^st quarter of last weeks game they allowed only 2 Michigan drives to gain 1^st downs and one of those was Michigan’s last drive, so this is definitely a D capable of completely neutralizing a mediocre offense.

PSUs offense is the best OSU has faced, and outside USC it isn’t even close. Penn State is now averaging 482 ypg (6.9 yppl) this season at 45 ppg. They are really getting it done on the ground where they are averaging 5.7 ypr. OSU (as mentioned above) is pretty solid on defense again (allowing only 4.3 yppl), and pretty decent vs the run allowing 3.5 ypr, but have been roughed up a little vs the good teams they’ve faced who’ve made a commitment to run the football. Wisconsin and USC both rushed for over 150 vs OSU and not surprisingly USC blew them out and Wisc almost beat OSU. My projections call for 4.9 ypr, and 383 yards total offense at 5.6 yppl for PSU. My scoring projections (28-34) are right on top of our models (28-35), and I just can’t see OSU keeping PSU in check the entire game here, particularly with an offense that doesn’t look to be able to get much of anything going. Penn State 30 Ohio State 17.

Good luck to everyone this week, come check us out to see what we have on the big SEC games this week as well as a couple other not-so large contests (we make a living off the MAC, MWC, and SBC). Good luck, and wager wisely…till next time.

The Geek

[TheGeekSheetSports]

Fear and Loathing in Tuscaloosa

2008-10-22T14:32:00.015-06:00

My short and sweet photo essay of gameday at the capstone. What an untapped cornicopia of Bama-Fan-of-the-Week awesomeness...

this guys fanhood is bigger than yours

I guess "RTRMFER" was already taken.

we had the pleasure of joining the proletariat in the upper deck

After a trip to Tuscaloosa, creating "smack shirts" is my new life goal. Apparently there's is a huge market for these things. They're like big, sweaty pseudo-offensive greeting cards, but without the wittiness and/or intentional comedy. Seems that one can say whatever dumb shit one wants, as long as it's bold and cap-locked, asshole. Why sit silently and be thought retarded when your tee shirt can remove all doubt?

(why am I suddenly hearing the opening cords of "Gimmie Three Steps" in my head?) Hell effing yes! Keep on rockin' in the free world, brother. (looks like Kid Rock's portly brother actually) Not only is he sporting the most kickass baseball cap known to man, but he's got the Tuscaloosa waterfall to match. Major credit.

The view from my seats...seriously, I didn't even have to move, just turnaround. (Last row, endzone, baby...that's how we roll) Ah Tutwiler, the girls dorm with so many endearing nicknames. "13 Floors of... Totally Not Promiscuous Young Ladies."

Nothing says crimson stud like a camo team hat, a custom lanyard, a never-scared beard, complete with a pony tail holder.

RTR indeed...would have given more credit if it said "2"

Bear would be so proud

Throughout this glorious Saturday, I realized a thing or two. Going to an Alabama game in Tuscaloosa is like having a party at your house and inviting your friends, plus every Stuckey's, Flying J, Waffle House and Hardee's employee between Bossier City and Valdosta. I'll leave you with this...

Nice tube socks [credit: Heath at AverageSouthernJoes] I love how these fine gentlemen say Ole Miss is the best team Bama's gonna face the rest of the season, then they call for a 24 point victory. "Nick Saban vs. God...who ya got?... Da Tahd."

[More Bama/Ole Miss Photo Coverage from Friends of the Program]

Touche Boston College Fans...Touche

2008-10-20T14:05:00.004-06:00

File this under, "Things SEC fans should have thought of, but didn't." Major Credit, BC hooligans...

Effed Officiating

2008-10-19T20:53:00.004-06:00

At first, I thought this was one of those dumbass Buffalo Wild Wings commercials, but It's not...It really happened...

Suddenly, I'm hungry for some corndog nuggets

Yeah, there's really no way to shrug that off as "an accident," "the stupid new guy" or "a flashback to Nam." Watch it again.

Don't throw a forearm shiver to my chest and tell me you're "just doing your job," assface! Damn the man.

This play will go down in history as a rallying cry for all those who truly believe the officials are out to get their team. (like myself) That, or you'll forget about it tomorrow. Either way, it's awesomely bad.

Leaving for Tuscaloosabad in the Morning

2008-10-17T21:25:00.009-06:00

click to enlarge [rebelsports.net]

This should be interesting. First non-wakeboarding trip to "The Capstone" (whatever the hell that means) since maybe 2005? Bring on the freaks.

we should all be so lucky

The Best Damn Youtube on The Internets

2008-10-16T15:30:00.005-06:00

If you're sick of the kids these days, The Hills, and people making money that shouldn't be, then you'll love this...

[nafoom]

What Saith The Geek?

2008-10-16T14:55:00.006-06:00

It's good to be The Geek

Guess who's back, Pumpkin-tits.... The Geek from thegeeksheetsports.com is back to lay some straight college football knowledge on yo ass. If you're a betting man, and/or a degenerate gambler, you'd be wise to listen to the man. Unless you're above 80% on the season...then you need to start your own gosh damn service, asshole.

We had an incredible week last week, going 7-0 on our recommended plays, including a couple of the B12 contests. We actually have two of the bigger SEC games this week that were close to being recommended plays, but that we passed on. Below is the analysis of those games, as well as one play that we are working on right now which will be a recommended play. We are now 27-9 this season on our recommended plays, so for more information about this week’s plays be sure to click here.

	337	Vanderbilt Commodores
Saturday 10/18/2008	338	Georgia Bulldogs	15

We still aren’t done with this play and will be spending the rest of the night doing our final analysis on this and about 15 other plays, but based on our work earlier this week I don’t think there will be enough line value to warrant a play. Vandy has been living on borrowed time this season going 5-0 (until last week) despite averaging 250 ypg offenses (even more amazing is that they are averaging 25 ppg at 250 ypg). They’ve only really faced 2 good defenses this year, and that is Auburn and Miss St, and in those last 2 games have only averaged 14 ppg. Fortunately for them those two defenses also happen to be on the teams with the 2 worst offenses in the league. They won’t be so lucky this week as they get a top caliber defense (on par with MSU and AU) which will hold Vandy to 250 & 14 again. UGA’s offense has kind of sputtered around this year, but is still putting up very solid numbers (430 ypg & 33 ppg) to pretty good defenses (that are otherwise allowing only 340 ypg and 23 ppg).

Our projections call for a projected 410 yards for UGA compared to 190 for Vandy. My projections and our other models we uses all have pretty much the same thing with 11-16 pts for Vandy (which at 190 yards if they don’t continue to be the beneficiary of the TO battle and near perfect red zone and special teams play could easily be 0) and 27-37 for UGA. This is definitely a UGA or no bet scenario, and really the only thing keeping me off this is a worse case indicator we run that projects a 25-16 UGA victory. Given Vandy’s track record this year and UGAs shaky performance thus far, that is probably a lot more likely than a 41 – 7 UGA victory. My guess is the magic starts to run out on VAndy, UGA starts to resemble the team we though they’d be this year and UGA pulls way late. UGA 36 Vandy 14.

08:00PM	381	LSU Fighting Tigers	3.5
Saturday 10/18/2008	382	South Carolina Gamecocks

This is a pretty interesting match up as I am still not really sure what to expect from LSU, particularly after that drubbing last week, and USC has had me mystified all year. Not surprisingly our models are all over the place, with half of them having USC winning out right and half having LSU winning by double digits. Mathematically, LSU is the superior team with better offense (+0.7 yppl to -0.2 yppl) and the team with the better match ups. USC does have a very good defense, but my guess here is that USCs propensity to turn the ball over (they have 20 offensive TOs this season thru only 7 games), and LSUs very good offense (even last week vs UF they managed 21 pts dispite 320 yards and 3 TOs will be more than USCs defense can overcome.

We make it a habit to not go against our models, which will cause us to scratch this game, but I really believe LSU get’s it done here, and probably pretty big. Our models call for a 24-22 LSU victory (which could easily be flipped). However, if you remove UFs performance last week vs LSUs defense and use the balance of the defensive numbers for LSU compared to USCs offense, USC doesn’t get to 300 yards, even with the UF performance last week USC still only gets 340 yards, and with a projected TO margin of 3-1 (USC – LSU), I don’t see much probability USC gets to 20. LSU 27 USC 17.

We don’t really have a good beat on any of the other games, but thought we’d include a snip-it of one our recommended plays this week. For more on this game and the other recommended plays for this week, click here, it’s only $40 bucks, and at 27-9 thus far you would have paid for it about 40 times over thus far this season.

12:30PM	331	Nebraska Cornhuskers	6.5
Saturday 10/18/2008	332	Iowa State Cyclones

ISU has had a rough go of it of late, and unfortunately for them they haven’t even hit the meat of the high flying B12 offenses. ISU has given up 36.5 ppg & 442 ypg the last 3 weeks to some ok but relatively speaking average offensive units in UNLV, Kansas, and Baylor. The 1^st 2 of those 3 games they were the beneficiary of a +3 TO margin which is the only reason those games were close as they averaged only 332 ypg in those games. Last week v. Baylor, Iowa State performed closer to reality scoring only 10 points on 257 yards offense.

Nebraska’s offense is averaging 421 ypg (6.4 yppl) which is +1.3 yppl as they’ve faced good defenses that otherwise allow only 5.1 yppl and 346 ypg. Neb has been particularly good in the air averaging 8.6 ypa (which is +2.1 ypa). They get an ISU defense getting torched this year by competition far worse than Neb. ISU is allowing 8.4 ypa to bad passing teams that otherwise would only average 6.9 ypa. This creates a +3.5 ypa advantage for Neb, and my projections call for 10.3 ypa. That is a 1^st down for every pass attempt (not completion but attempt). Total projections are for 486 yards offense (338 in the air) at 7.0 yppl.

Nebraska’s defense, despite allowing 380 ypg and 28 ppg (5.9 yppl) is actually better than average as they’ve faced a collective slate of very good offenses that average 432 ypg and 34 ppg (6.3 yppl), so Neb is actually +0.4 yppl better than average. That should be plenty good enough to keep an anemic ISU offense in check that is only averaging 336 ypg (5.1 yppl) despite playing some mediocre defenses that are allowing 360 ypg and 5.4 yppl. ISU is at a statistical disadvantage in every offensive category, and not a small one (they are -0.6 in ypr, ypa, and yppl). Our projections call for only 342 yards offense (5.4 yppl). I’ll lay 7 on the road getting the team that looks to average more yppl than the home team does ypa, and has the statistical advantage in every match up category in this game.

All our models are pretty consistent with 34-40 points for Nebraska, and a high indicator of 53 points (which given my projection of near 500 yards offense is actually quite likely). Because of the offenses Nebraska’s defense has faced this year, ISU’s offensive projections get skewed a little to the high side, despite Nebraska’s defense being decidedly better than ISUs offense (basically because Nebraska’s defense starts from a higher absolute base due to the offenses they faced and their scoring / yardage averages), which causes a model and math projection of 21-25 points for ISU. We’ll stick with that, but given the match up indicators, my guess is a performance closer to what ISU did last week to Baylor. Nebraska 37 Iowa State 23.

Quit dragging everybody's gameday down with your pathetic crying... Check out TheGeekSheet, then go buy that round of Irish Car Bombs with confidence...You winner, you.

BIG XII Euro Style Futbol Conference: It's Floptastic!

2008-10-11T12:47:00.007-06:00

What a bunch of Titty Babies

You know, everybody seems to talk about all the quarterback talent in the Big XII, but they some how gloss over the high quality sandy vaginas that practices their floppery in the southwestern region. Screw "The Red River Shootout." Try "Steers and Queers."

And John Wayne rolls over in his grave.

Pictures and video to come, i'm sure.

edited to add: [others who feel the same]

That Was Quick

2008-10-08T15:08:00.005-06:00

"Step Into My Office, Tony..."

No, I'm not talking about the famed fretless bassist of White Snake. Auburn's OC is SOL.

Auburn offensive coordinator Tony Franklin was relieved of his duties Wednesday halfway through his first season of directing a spread offense that never caught fire. Franklin is no longer on the coaching staff, said an Auburn official.
Head coach Tommy Tuberville told the team 3:30 of the dismissal.
"After evaluating where we are at this point of the season offensively, I felt it was in the best interest of the Auburn football program to make this change," Tuberville said. "I'm not satisfied with where we are and I am personally going to take a larger role with the offense the remainder of the season. We are going to work harder than ever to make sure we consistently improve as we move forward."

This should be interesting. Tuberville, the defensive-minded coach from way back, is gonna be "taking a more active roll in the offense." CEO Tuberville hasn't taken an active roll in anything actually football related in years. What will all those "spread" recruits think about the new Tubby offense?

Crazy! I don't know, I'm sure it's just some wild, baseless rumor. I feel like somebody just told me that Clay Aiken is gay.

a classic and classy photo from The Birmingham News

[al.com]

Bama Fan of the Week

2008-10-07T07:00:00.000-06:00

just one of the perks of working the third shift at the Firestone plant [matt]

Nerd-Neck: one of tuscaloosa's top exports...sweet man-cankles too [stephen via dirty d]

Bonus (kickass tattoo edition):

You might not have even noticed this subtle tat through all the foliage and chickenpox

"Wow, nice pasty teet...er, tat."

They Don't Make Highlight Reels Any Better

2008-10-01T14:15:00.006-06:00

I mean, does it get any more deep south than this?

Pete Boone, take advantage of that bigassed, HD video board and play this pre-game for South Carolina this weekend. Oh, and lose the white trashassed Kid Rock crap.

[major credit to Delstrath on youtube]

My Late Powerpoll Ballot

2008-10-01T00:34:00.000-06:00

tasteless rape joke?

Quick, it's midnight, lightning round!...

1. LSU - Shaved wildebeests

2. Alabama - Back? October can be tricky

3. Florida - Teabagged

4. Georgia - Spooners

5. Ole Miss - (insert tired Nutt joke here)

6. Vandy - Bye week - yeah, They're below Ole Miss...Rebs/Dores ATL rematch?

7. Kentucky - Badass undefeated? or Norfolk St., Middle Tennessee and Western KY? The later

8. Auburn - Eff Todd

9. South Carolina - Less Smelley, more offensive

10. Tennessee - One more nail in his big fat fatty coffin

11. Mississippi State - A 285 yard offensive explosion! Seriously...major credit, Woody McCorvey, you no-talent-ass-clown

12. Arkansas - Might as well hang em up...The cupboard is bare, right?

Alabama has Reece Davis

2008-09-30T22:34:00.002-06:00

Ole Miss has Shepard Smith...

[redsolocup]

Ole Miss Makes The Cover?

2008-09-30T12:34:00.013-06:00

First Ole Miss-centric cover since Archie in 1970 (click to enlarge)

Well, that supposed curse hasn't seemed to effect Bama one tiny bit (quite possibly it's done the opposite). Damn the curse! I'm enjoying this sumabitch. Can't wait to see how the Chicago Cubs of the SEC can handle it this weekend against Spurrier's cocks.

First the Debate, then The Swamp, now this? Surely hell is freezing over (see: The Economy) Enjoy this sneak peak at SI's Ole Miss cover story (words I honestly never thought I'd hear in succession)...

Block Party

Ole Miss's stunning win over Florida was just one of seven upsets involving Top 25 teams in a chaotic week that also saw the emergence of Alabama as a contender for the national championship

By Albert Chen

It was a sultry Saturday evening in the heart of Mississippi , and Houston Nutt, still sticky from the Gatorade bath he had received in the waning seconds of his team's 31–30 win over No. 4 Florida, stepped out of an airplane at Tupelo Regional Airport and into the night. The first-year Mississippi coach looked up, and on the other side of a nearby fence was a cheering throng of 500 rhapsodic Rebels fans. Then Nutt looked at his players. "They were just standing there," says Nutt, whose team, a three-touchdown underdog to the Gators, returned from Gainesville having toppled a top five team for the first time in three decades. "I had to tell them, 'Guess what? They're here for you. It's O.K. to go over there and say hello.' Apparently they're not used to this kind of attention. They looked like they were in a daze."

The college football universe was in much the same state. The Stunner in the Swamp turned out to be the biggest upset last Saturday, but the madness didn't end there. After greeting another 400 fans at the Rebels' practice facility when he and his team arrived on campus later that night, Nutt finally returned home to his 150-acre ranch outside of Oxford around eight o'clock and flipped on the living room television to watch No. 8 Alabama against No. 3 Georgia. He nearly fell out of his chair when he saw the score: Alabama 31, Georgia 0. At halftime. "It was a pretty wild day in college football, huh?" Nutt said on Sunday.

You think? During a 48-hour period that started last Thursday night, nine ranked teams lost, six to unranked squads. Three of the country's top four schools went down, including No. 1 USC (page 35) from the Pac-10. The top-ranked teams from three other BCS conferences—the SEC (Georgia), the Big Ten ( Wisconsin ) and the ACC ( Wake Forest )—also fell. While there has been no paradigm-shifting upset on the scale of Appalachian State over Michigan , this season is proving to be just as unpredictable as 2007 was. "What we've seen in the first month of the season isn't an aberration," says BYU coach Bronco Mendenhall, whose Cougars moved up three spots to No. 8 in the AP poll—on a bye week. "What we're seeing is a leveling of the field."

The result is a volatile environment in which a school can go from being a borderline Top 25 team to the second-ranked program in the nation in five weeks—as Alabama , ranked No. 24 in the preseason, has done in coach Nick Saban's second year. Following his team's win in Athens , where the Crimson Tide steamrollered No. 3 Georgia 41–30, Alabama (5–0) suddenly looks like a national title contender. That Saban's crew pulled off the road win wasn't as surprising as how easily the Crimson Tide dismantled the Bulldogs. With quarterback John Parker Wilson (10 of 11 passes for 139 yards and a touchdown in the first half) operating behind an overpowering line, Alabama, which has yet to trail in a game and has outscored opponents 74–0 in the opening quarter, scored on each of its first five possessions. By halftime the Tide had turned the much-ballyhooed rumble between SEC rivals into a funeral for the nation's preseason No. 1 and its fans. At least the Dawgs dressed for the occasion. Georgia broke out its rarely worn black jerseys, and the Bulldogs faithful donned black as well.

In the Crimson Tide locker room, moments after the biggest win in his 18-game tenure in Tuscaloosa , Saban began his postgame address with a saliva-spewing rant about all the things his players did wrong in a sloppy second half. (Though Alabama was outscored 30–10 after intermission, a Crimson Tide victory was never in doubt.) After making it through his checklist, the 56-year-old grump paused, then smiled. The room exploded in giddy laughter.

There wasn't a bigger winner on Saturday than the embattled Ole Miss football program, which came into the game with nine consecutive SEC defeats. This fall the scrutiny of the Rebels has been intense, and not just because of the new $6 million, 4,032-square-foot high-definition scoreboard (touted as having the largest HD display in the SEC) that now towers over the north end zone at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium. Even though the Rebels had floundered through four straight losing seasons, including a 3–9 mark last year, and even though their sophomore quarterback, Jevan Snead, had thrown only 49 college passes before the '08 season, expectations were high for a once proud school reenergized by the hiring of Nutt last November. "The moment it hit me how passionate the fans are here was the day I held my first press conference," says the 50-year-old Nutt, who, despite a 75–48 record at Arkansas , resigned last year after 10 tumultuous seasons in Fayetteville . "I was expecting to speak to a few reporters in a room with five cameras. But I find myself walking into the Ford Center , where there are 1,500 people packed in, and I later find out that 500 to 600 people were turned away at the door and waiting outside. I had goose bumps."

The Rebels headed to Gainesville with a 2–2 record—their pair of losses (at No. 20 Wake Forest on Sept. 6 and to Vanderbilt on Sept. 20) by a combined eight points. Snead could not have looked worse in the Vanderbilt defeat, tossing four interceptions as Ole Miss lost 23–17. In more ways than one the game against Florida presented an opportunity for redemption for the quarterback. When he stepped onto the field at high noon, he stood in a place where he once thought he'd become a star. In 2005 he had committed to Florida out of Stephenville (Texas) High, but then he found out that the Gators were heavily recruiting another high school All-America—a gunslinger from Jacksonville named Tim Tebow. Snead backed out of his commitment and signed with Texas . But redshirt freshman Colt McCoy beat him out for the starting job in 2006, so at the end of that season Snead transferred to Mississippi .

Now here was Snead, facing Tebow in front of 90,106 fans—and it was the unheralded interloper who was the poised playmaker and the 2007 Heisman Trophy winner who appeared flustered. His team down 17–10 in the third quarter and facing a third-and-10 deep in Florida territory, Snead dumped a screen pass to running back Cordera Eason that went for an 18-yard touchdown. Then, with 5:26 left and the game tied at 24, Snead connected with a wide-open Shay Hodge on an 86-yard pass play that gave the Rebels the lead for good. "The corner fell off, and I knew I was going to be open, but I didn't expect the safety to miss it that bad," says Hodge. "I didn't think I was going to take it all the way."

Tebow, meanwhile, continued his disappointing encore to his Heisman season with another uneven performance. The junior quarterback fumbled once (the third-quarter turnover led to Eason's touchdown), missed open receivers and often held on to the ball too long as a ferocious Rebels pass rush sacked him three times. He did respond with a six-play, 68-yard touchdown drive that pulled the Gators to 31–30 with 3:28 left, but the Rebels' Kentrell Lockett broke through the line to block the extra point. Then, on fourth-and-one at the Ole Miss 32 with 41 seconds left, Tebow was stopped for no gain as he tried to run off right tackle out of the shotgun. "You have never seen any player in the entire country play as hard as I will play the rest of this season," an emotional Tebow said after the game. "And you'll never see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of this season."

Though they tumbled to No. 12 in the rankings, the Gators are hardly out of the national title picture in what is shaping up as another crazy season. But Florida fans can't like the team's chances to run the table (three games against top 20 teams remain on the schedule) with coach Urban Meyer's offense looking as out of sync as it did against the Rebels. Though Percy Harvin, a wideout who occasionally lines up in the backfield, rushed for 82 yards, the Gators still aren't getting any production out of their running backs. And Tebow was limited to seven yards on 15 carries.

Meanwhile, Ole Miss looks poised to take off. Less than 24 hours after his Gatorade bath, the coach of the resurgent Rebels was back in his office, meeting with his assistants to prep for this Saturday's game against South Carolina . Nutt's team showed last Saturday that it's good enough to make noise in the SEC West. An intradivision showdown with Alabama looms on Oct. 18, but the coach wasn't looking ahead. "One week at a time," Nutt said. "If we've learned anything about college football this weekend, it's that, week to week, all you can hope to do is survive."±

[Thanks to Karen at SI for the heads up]

Ole Miss Pwns Gators

2008-09-27T15:19:00.002-06:00

Fast Facts
• The Rebels had lost 14 straight SEC road games entering Saturday as well as nine straight SEC games overall.
• The Gators lost three fumbles after not losing one in their first three games.
• The Gators are now 0-5 when trailing at any point in the second half with Tim Tebow as the quarterback.
• Three of the last six times Florida has lost to an unranked team it has been to the Rebels.
-- ESPN research

Ole Miss has won three of its last four vs. Florida, including the last two matchups between the teams at the Swamp.
UF Regular-Season Losses toUnranked Opponents Since '02:

2008 Ole Miss
2007 Auburn
2005 South Carolina
2004 Mississippi St.
2003 Ole Miss
2002 Ole Miss

GeekSheet Report

2008-09-26T13:05:00.008-06:00

Your best friend on gameday (not our actual geek)

Starting what I hope will be a semi-regular feature here on DSS is updates from the friendly wagering world via my boy at The Geek Sheet Sports. Good people, from right here in the Deep South, with some solid numbers in their corner: 12-4 on the season's recommended plays (now I'm no mathmagician, but I'm pretty sure that's 75% Win). So, what I'm saying is...this might be the only worthwhile feature on this God forsaken site. It could even make you a dollar or two if you're smart. Lookit...

The Bold and Most not so Beautiful SEC, comments and predictions

I’d like to open our inaugural post from the thegeeksheetsports.com with a thanks to our elegant, handsome, brilliant and witty host, Erik for allowing us to share our weekly thoughts on the soap opera that is the SEC. Hopefully these gratuitous complements won’t go un-noticed and will buy us at least a week or two in this space, presuming it tanks as bad as we suspect it will!

Ohh the beauty of SEC football, or perhaps really just their fans, I mean in what other sport, conference, or geographic location is it more important to openly display the hatred you have for your cross town rival than it is the love for your alma matter (or in the case of your mortal enemy the love they blindly have for the team in the state where they graduated middle school). Where else is it so important that you contain such a complete understanding of your teams offense or defense, whereby you can openly discuss and debate why that dumb a** OC / DC/ HC continues not to play (insert unheralded freshman or rFr recruit of choice), or call that same play that all 80,000 / 90,000 / 1000,000 people in the stadium (half of whom didn’t graduate college and the other half which can’t spell college because they’ve drowned themselves in bourbon prior to the all too familiar 3 Dave’s 100 degree September afternoon kickoff classic). God forbid the drama that ensues on the messages boards during the games from the people to stupid or lazy to even go to the game, but have an even keener sense of things as they have the luxury of watching, rewinding, and analyzing in slow motion the ensuing debacle that comes from being a fan of (insert team of choice). Perhaps even better is the unbridled optimism that can ensue after a 2 point victory over the direction Michigan school for the blind, after a particularly good offensive performance compared to the catastrophic apocalypse on the horizon that comes after a hard fought victory over a conference rival if the offense doesn’t score 100 points and rack up 1000 yards….Good love those brilliant football minds.

With a moment of clarity it occurred to me that the drama we choose to create, more times than not in a completely irrational and unjust manner isn’t too dissimilar to the calamity that is our testosterone lacking compatriots from Venus. When the wine and estrogen starts flowing we run for the sanctity and cover of college football, and the self destruction that ensues…because remember, we are the sane ones…right?

Anyway, with that mostly likely long, incoherent, and un-necessary bit of rambling out of the way, we’ll move on with our inaugural post, honoring the bizarre soap opera that is SEC football (as played out in the eyes of its beloved fans). We’ll have a little bit of fun with everyone, and hopefully give you a little bit of advice along the way (to the degree I can forcibly remove my genetic and paternal biases for those stupid F-ing inbreeds up the road). With that said, we’re off…

Game of the Week

Abalamer vs Leg Humpers

Ponder for a second what this must be like for a poor Auburn fan living in Atlanta? On one hand you’ve been raised your entire life to hate the cheaters on the west side of the state (presuming your are a multi-generational War Eagler and not a carpet baggin trust fund baby from Buckhead too stupid to get into Athens Tech that has infiltrated your beloved home on the plains like a cancer that won’t stop spreading…this is the cow-college damn it)…on the other you have the seemingly never ending UGA promotional video and ads that is the Atlanta press combined with the seemingly unending supply of Ugly alums that seem to percolate the atmosphere thicker than a code red smog alert day in the summer (for those of you not from Atlanta that means it is suffocating)…I guess there is such a thing as hell on earth.

What interests me more about this game, is the show down that is liable to ensue on the pedestrian walkway in A-town Saturday evening…not just the mullets from north Alabama vs the red-dadios from Moultrie (although that cultural class will surely be one for the ages), but consider what happens when Mr. Bear Bryant Back Tat toting his big ole A flag bumps into that big bald overall wearing fattie from UGA with the bulldog painted on his head…wow, I’d pay the scalper 3 large for the privilege to see that…I wonder if the guys from National Geographic will be there to capture this chance encounter?

The actual game itself I suspect will be a pretty good one, although I question how good and proven the Bama offense is. Every week that victory over Clemson looks worse and worse, and no offense to Casey Dick but there is a reason D-Mac lined up at QB last year and Nutter sold his sold to the devil to get Mustain along with the baggage that came with him. UGA has been very good defending the run, and I don’t see how Bama makes anything of substance happen on the ground in this game (I won’t bore you with the statistical support). Without a ground game Sarah Jessica Parker starts to look more like Little Dick from the hills of Arkansas than the Tony Romo of late.

I am a little less sure of what happens on the other side of the ball as the humpers have looked pretty good thus far, but so has Little Nicky’s crew. Despite the Pac 10 hatred we all can agree on, Arizona State does have a legitimate defense (by left coast standards), and, statistically, what UGA did last week is impressive (far more impressive than Sabans efforts to date vs a pretty pitiful slate of defensive opponents).

A TD is a lot to lay in this game, and my guess is it will be relatively close for a while…still as Nick says, “it is a process”, and I think the success early against some very bad teams has the Tide Pride a little over-amped…Leg Humpers 28 Roll Tide 17

The Second Fiddle Game of the Week– which just so happens to involve two perpetual second fiddles

The Great Pumpkin in the Hills vs Dumbo gone amuck

The two great cartoonish coaches of the conference clash in this battle of big orange vs big ears, although watching both of late makes you wonder if anything big is going to happen offensively. UCLA’s continued implosion could potentially end up being worse by year end than Big Nicks glorious egg vs the War Hawks last season (how do you get pounded by 21 to Arizona? I mean their coach isn’t even the best coach in his family?), and Awburn continues to find new ways to self destruct offensively (and why shouldn’t they, they hired the Guru who was just hiding all these years near the condom producing capitol of the world…where I would be 1^st to look when trying to find an offensive mind capable of competing in the best conference in the land).

Both these schools constantly fight the second fiddle status whether it be the War Eaglers contempt for thier corn dog friends to the south or the mullet nation to the west, or Good Ole Rocky Top who can’t seem to get over the “hump” consistently vs the the humpers or the proprietors of factory denim shorts down in North FL. My guess is we’ll get a second rate performance from both here in a game that will probably dissolve into a contest of who can avoid screwing it up the most…I’ll lean with the dual nick-named home team, presuming they embrace the dual QB strategy…Deep Orange 24 Faded Orange 16

3 Dave’s caliber contests

David vs Goliath (Act 1 and 2) –

Whether it Nutt or Croom, Miles or Meyer this one is about the same… Croom and Nutt will try and run the ball 99% of the time, hope like hell Meyer or Miles does enough un-necessary and unbelievably stupid (or perhaps brilliant) things that the poor peasants from the hills won’t get absolute destroyed by the Kings of the lands….The former Mormon leader and his now missionary leading general stand a bit more of a chance for a slightly contested contest here than The HAT and his corndog crew further west. Nutt’s got the makings of a respectable offense, poor Croom’s got Nutt-in…All in all 40 something for the big guys…State is lucky to get 10 w/o a backfire or two by the lunatic leader of the corn dog nation…Ole Nutt probably gets 14, maybe a late one late for 20. Either way, I hope the Dave’s bring their A game, and have a great montage prepared of Saint Tebow’s good work, because this should prove to be a pretty boring game (same-same for the nite cap hosted by brilliant color man Michelle Tafoya, or I supposed color woman…wow, that is inspiring).

Don’t waste your time---and I won’t either

South Carolina v UAB How is Darth Visors offense favored by 24 over anyone? Have they scored 24 all season, I guess it helps they get a UAB team that isn’t even the best team in their city (props to Samford). Still, DVs horrific QB and passing situation doesn’t give me any confidence. Still the Cocks have a really hard D (been waiting a while to put that in print), and I can’t see UAB doing any better than they did vs UT… Cocks 31 Blazers 6

Directional Kentucky vs non-directional Kentucky

Pop Quiz – How many D1 teams did WKU face last year…Answer – 12, although over half where 1AA, 7 vs 1-AA team, and a 7-5 record w/ 5 games vs the mighty Sun Belt…you do the math…Enough said…UK 34 Topers 13

Pigtrino vs the place where Auburn DCs go to become head coaches

I bet ole Bobby wishes Mack Brown liked to get offensive coordinators head coaching jobs as well as the defensive variety, maybe they can exchange numbers and discuss new ways to poach on poor dumbo later this season as they both seemingly like to do. Dick gets the pigs slaughtered here, badly…you’ll find out two things after this game…how bad Arkansas is and how irrelevant the Tides victory against them last week was. Major League affiliate for AAA Auburn Tiger Defensive Coaches 43 – when pigs fly 17.

Good luck to everyone, drink too much, yell at the TV because the coaches can actually here you, and remember if you are on the taking end of it this week, you always have your class which the other team doesn’t…

For more info on other games this week, and a slightly less condescending approach, check us out on our blog…

http://www.thegeeksheetsports.com/

Till next week

The Geek

SEC Power Poll - Week 4ish

2008-09-24T07:12:00.002-06:00

Comments on every SEC team, courtesy of Garnet and Black Attack...

1. Georgia, 247 points (11 first-place votes)

2. Florida, 245 (8)

3. LSU, 232 (3)

4. Alabama, 199.5

5. Auburn, 167.5

6. Vanderbilt, 161

7. Kentucky, 111

8. Mississippi, 100

8. South Carolina, 100

10. Tennessee, 86

11. Mississippi State, 34

12. Arkansas, 33

...and forth.

Georgia and Florida's back-and-forth battle for first place continues. Week 1 brought us first-place Florida. Week 2, first-place Georgia. Week 3, first-place Florida. And this week, two points give the spelling-challenged Dawgs the nod for No. 1. These teams have essentially been deadlocked the whole season, and unless one gets upset, the argument won't be settled until they meet in Jacksonville on Nov. 1. LSU isn't far behind; Alabama has a ton of ground to make up. Auburn and Vanderbilt round out the top half.

Then comes a yawning 50-point gap before Kentucky comes in. By contrast, only 25 points separate the Wildcats in 7th place and the Volunteers in 10th.

And Arkansas has now fallen into possession of the "Worst of the Best" Cup, as Mississippi State's dominated performance against Georgia Tech isn't quite enough to underwhelm Arkansas' self-immolation against Alabama. This race should also go down to the end, as each team looks to one-down the other.

Voters expand upon these thoughts after the jump.

GEORGIA

Still working out some issues with penalties and leaky kickoff coverage, but clearly the most complete team in the league so far this season.--The Dead Guy

For years now I've been asking Santa, "Please bring me a game-breaking receiver for Christmas," and when I got to Tempe ... he finally came.--Hey Jenny Slater

The Dawgs went from posting a minus-37 total yardage deficit at Carolina to a plus-249 surplus at Arizona St. Fair to say Georgia's doing its part in making the SEC look good.--Joe Cribbs Car Wash

FLORIDA

While the defense is markedly better than the 2007 version, there may be some concerns for the offense. The coaches in the SEC are the best in the country and they're developing ways to slow them up.--The Dead Guy

What, precisely, are we to take from Saturday's conquest, though? The first downs were even at 16 apiece; had the Big Orange held the ball for two fewer seconds, the time of possession would have been divided equally between the two combatants; the home team outgained the visitors from Gainesville in total yards (258-243). Three Tennessee turnovers and a 78-yard punt return allowed this one to get altogether out of hand, but how good are the Gators? Considering that they converted over 60 per cent of their third downs against U.T., I'm going to err on the side of saying they're pretty good.--Dawg Sports

The vaunted offense has been coasting through most of the games so far, and UF has won by 46, 23, and 24 points. The defense and special teams have been championship caliber.--Year 2

LSU

Impressive win in Auburn. Maybe Les is smarter than we give him credit for. That onsides kick was brilliant.--Garnet and Black Attack

So much for the lingering effects of the Ryan Perrilloux Xperience. Anyone who thought that the QB situation might be enough to sink LSU this year might want to start exploring other options.--Hey Jenny Slater

If Jarrett Lee's second half on the Plains isn't a fluke, the rest of the West can start heading for the exits. Everything is, infuriatingly, in place.--Joe Cribbs Car Wash

ALABAMA

When, oh when, will SEC teams stop scheduling so many cupcakes? Oh, wait...--Save the Shield

Convincing victory made even more impressive when you factor in the number of freshmen and sophomores Saban is playing.--The Dead Guy

I'm really surprised with the Crimson Tide so far. They are top 15 in all of the key defensive statistics with the exception of third down defense, and they're No. 16 in that.--Rocky Top Talk

AUBURN

They need to figure out this offense. I know they are in a transitional phase, but 1.9 ypc against LSU is awful, I don't care how good LSU might be up front.--Alligator Army

The Tigers fought down to the end against LSU, but couldn't stop the Hat. The defense was strong, and the offense showed signs of life. Auburn is a good team and lost to another good team. No shame.--Gate 21

The Plainsmen clearly have some problems, and not just on offense, as evidenced by the fact that their once-smothering defense allowed an inexperienced sophomore QB to turn into a hero Saturday night.--Hey Jenny Slater

VANDERBILT

Somehow managed to clip Ole Miss despite a less than stellar performance. Are they opportunistic or just lucky? We'll see next week against Auburn.--Save the Shield

4-0. 4-0. No, it's not their GPA, it's their record.--Pelican State Sports

It's like the 'Dores saved up all their luck over the last 20 years just for this season.--Joe Cribbs Car Wash

KENTUCKY

Pass efficiency defense ranked 11th and rush defense ranked 5th. Offense, though, is atrocious, statistically speaking.--Rocky Top Talk

Here's an SAT question for you: "Choose the best answer. The Kentucky Wildcats have not: A. lost to anybody, or B. beaten anybody." Every answer is right, but every answer is also profoundly wrong.--Red Solo Cup

Who knows? Unless they struggle against Western, we figure to have to wait until their trip to Tuscaloosa to know anything.--A Sea of Blue

MISSISSIPPI

Somehow managed to lose to Vandy despite outgaining them by almost 200 yards.--Garnet and Black Attack

For the next several days Jevan Snead will keep waking up in a sweat at 3 am, thinking that Ryan Hamilton just picked off another pass.--Save the Shield

Jevan Snead is teetering on the edge of the abyss that is the Ole Miss Quarterback position A.E. (After Eli)--Deep South Sports

SOUTH CAROLINA

Unimpressive Wofford win, but 'Cocks' two close SEC losses don't look so bad, and the NC State win looks a lot better.--Save the Shield

A 10-point win over Wofford? Isn't Wofford an English soccer team?--Alligator Army

After tuning up with *Wofford*, I suspect that Spurrier continues his prodigious offensive revolution against UAB.--Loser With Socks

TENNESSEE

The Clawfense is befuddling Crompton, leading to a curious lack of production for an offense with lots of good players. If they lose to Auburn this weekend, which they should, they might have to battle to stay out of the East cellar.--Georgia Sports Blog

The Vols' defensive stats are fine. Offensively, they're still struggling, but much of that is probably attributed to productivity-killing mistakes.--Rocky Top Talk

The death march has begun. No more blaming things on assistants. No more rebuilding years. The Vol Navy is in shambles. Knoxville is burning to the ground.--UK Wildcat Country

MISSISSIPPI STATE

MSU's offense has taken a major step backwards this year, which is tough considering how bad it was last year. You've got to think that Woody McCorvey's days in Starkville are coming to an end.--The Dead Guy

Sly continues to croom himself.--Loser With Socks

If you were a child psychologist and asked a six-year-old to draw a picture of "sad," the result would probably look a lot like MSU's offensive playbook.--Hey Jenny Slater

ARKANSAS

Casey Dick impressed me with 190 yds passing, but he threw more passes to the other team than he did to his own. If he keeps throwing 4 picks a game he's going to have to work harder on his tackling.--Gate 21

Hey, at least Casey Dick had 3 Touchdown passes. Two of them were to the opponent, but let'snot get worked up about who we're tossing it to since Arkansas needs something to build from.--Tide Druid

On the bright side, everyone agreed that the halftime show was very nice.--Razorback Expats

Red Tide Diaries

2008-09-23T13:48:00.009-06:00

Not Spencer Pennington...Not sober?

True tales of Tider encounters, from real readers. Names have been changed to protect the innocent...

"I was at [a long standing, Mountain Brook Barber shop] getting my hair cut this morning and listened in on some Tiders discussing the big game this weekend. Oddly enough 3 of the four were very realistic about the game this weekend. They do believe we have a shot at beating UGA, and even agreed with me it was small and this is the first real test we've had this season. The team is healthy and ready to roll...However, the one fan lived up to the Tider Nation true. She is the the mullet sporting, fried hair from the curling iron, tat on the upper arm barber. Thankfully she didn't cut my hair, but did torture me with her obvious lack of college, nay high school education. It was a painful reminder of the typical Tider fan and that many do believe we will win the NC this year. Though I didn't hear claims of a NC from the Tide out of this individual, I did hear that Spencer Pennington was going to bring the Tide a victory over the UGAly bulldogs this weekend. Yes, I just said Spencer Pennington...the roar of laughter in the barber shop shook the bowels of Mountain Brook. Thankfully I was done getting my cancer patient haircut and got out before she was fired...I'm sure.

She might be a METH addict."

- Dirty D.

Just goes to show you...living in the past not only makes you look like a silly asshole, but it can also cost you your job. The Lesson: It is better to merely cut hair and be thought a troubled, drug addicted Tider, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Thanks for sharing, Dirt.

If anyone else has a recent, even mildly entertaining true life encounter with a SEC fan, do not hesitate to send it in. Seriously...I could use the help.

SEC FAIL

2008-09-21T08:56:00.002-06:00

This video, tip of the hat to rebheadedstranger, goes out to all the fans of SEC teams that shat the bed this weekend. You know who you are Arkansas, State, Tennessee and Ole Miss. Congratulations on your season.

Jean Shorts and Football....That's what Florida Does

2008-09-18T13:21:00.005-06:00

Not to mention circumcision talk, and some ghey new cornhole/horse shoes type game with ropes and balls. SI tour guy starts off slow, but ends up humorous...

Highlight FAIL

2008-09-16T15:24:00.006-06:00

I didn't get to partake in the State/Auburn suckfest this weekend (I was attending the ND/Michigan rain soaked turnover extravaganza!). I'm sure in a few weeks, Tommy Tuberville and Tony Franklin will sit down, pop in the tape of this "defensive masterpiece" and just have a good laugh.

[edsbs]

My Ballot - SEC Power Poll

2008-09-16T13:29:00.007-06:00

typical tebow tugger [credit: dan]

1. LSU	My wife, the Barn-ette, may not like this, but things are gonna get ugly down on the plains this weekend. LSU's beastly shaved apes have grown wary of appetizers.
2. Florida	Bye week last week, but Gates somehow solidified this 2 spot. Look for Urban's boys to dominate UT in all phases once again.
3. UGA	What is the dawg's problem with the Cocks? They looked like ass…ugly, ugly ass. Who knew Tons-of-fun Stafford could move like that?
4. Alabama	Because of turdulent pre-season rankings, most folks think this team has been tested. They haven't, and don't look for that test to come this weekend in Fayettenam.
5. Vanderbilt	The positive surprise of the young SEC season. To go bowling, Vandy must win only 3 of the 6 extremely winnable games left on their schedule (OM, AU, State, Duke, UK, & UT).
6. Auburn	WTF? Really?
7. Ole Miss	Shoulda beat the Samford Bulldogs by 40. Snead was off (2 picks) and that can't happen, even against Vanderbilt. Turnover margin is key to bowl season.
8. Tennessee	UAB effing sucks, but the Vols beat them down quite effectively. BYU so very > UCLA > Tennesse is a polygamistic abomination. Congratulations on your life, Fulmer.
9. Kentucky	The Wildcats just kinda suck this year. And while "kinda suckage" would get you the silver medal in the ACC, you're relegated to the bottom third of SEC (speed, bitches!)
10. Cocks	Jeri needs to start holding out on him til they beat a program with a pulse. Wofford, this weekend, need not apply.
11. Arkansas	Hurricane Ike delayed the debut of "Balls and Ass, Petrino Style" until this weekend, when Alabama eats another cupcake.
12. State	How the hell does this team keep getting on TV week after week? Crooms: The non-narcotic, no risk of dependency sleep-aid.

Think Tiger Pimp Nation, but with a splash of Douche

Dance, Dance, Revelation

2008-09-11T12:58:00.009-06:00

Sometimes, even we Southerners need to refocus on what's really important. In the fall, Satan can use the football to keep us from "renewing our mind." At some point, everybody needs to recenter themselves and just awkwardly break-dance like the gays...

"Mom?" (1:54 is especially praise-worthy)

[nafoom]

The Consensus

2008-09-10T12:56:00.004-06:00

[see all us bloggers comments on the rankings here]

Week 2: My SEC Power Poll Ballot

2008-09-09T16:04:00.013-06:00

"Hey, Coonass!"

1. LSU	Innocent until proven guilty. Why the hell is LSU behind an Ohio State team that struggled mightily with the turdulent Ohio Bobcats?
2. Florida	Team Tebow wins another snoozer. Florida D looks strong to quite strong.
3. UGA	Stafford looked like the second best QB on the field when Central Michigan came to town. Thank gawd for Knowshon and that Defense.
4. Auburn	Todd appears to have settled the QB debate. Kodi Burns crapped the bed. Run D is stout. Look for consistent improvement in the passing game.
5. Ole Miss	My favorite Rebel loss of the last five seasons. However, The Jury just delivered a verdict, and it reads "Jevan Snead is Your Dad." Rebs are too legit to quit.
6. Alabama	Put this on the cover of Sports Illustrated... "YARDS…172 Total vs. effing Tulane, Seriously."
7. Vanderbilt	The Wake Forest of the SEC…except the rest of the conference doesn't suck. When the Dores go bowling this season, Bobby better win SEC coach of the year.
8. Kentucky	Who knew Norfolk state had a football program…Jury's still out on the Cats.
9. Tennessee	Fulmer without Cutcliffe is like "Journey" without that new Asian dude.
10. USC	Who could have guessed this in 2004: Spurrier gets embarrassed by Vandy for the second straight season, while Skip Holtz beats three straight ranked opponents coaching East Carolina.
11. Arkansas	Worst 2-0 Team in D-I. Bobby Petrino is the Steve Kragthorpe of the SEC.
12. State	Big win over the mighty Southeastern Louisiana Lions. Enjoy it, cause it's gonna be a long fall.

[The Home of the SEC Power Poll]

Mindless Morning Youtubery

2008-09-08T16:34:00.006-06:00

Nothing says college football in The Deep South like tailgating with loved ones, children innocently tossing the pigskin in the quad, and some fat, shrieking whore, rhythmically convulsing right outside your tent.

[with leather]

Bama Fan of the WTF?

2008-09-08T15:48:00.009-06:00

So she's no Alana Collette, but that sure is a Bama "script A" (see: the Atlanta Braves original) on this young perpetrator's right cheek. Thanks to the keen eye of reader Joe Blow, we get this perplexing young lady, fresh from The Smoking Gun.

The website gives no real explanation, but we all know that a Bama tattoo, no matter how temporary, is considered probable cause for Meth abuse in 7 states and West Virginia. Ask a lawya.

If you're drunk, don't blow...and if you're tweakin' on hillbilly heroin, tell that pig "I'm obviously a Vandy alum and will have your badge if you continues this backtalk. And get your effing hands off my Trans-Am."

It's common sense really. RTR!!!

By the way, had to give credit to this stud from the same series...

Bama's sleeper linebacking sensation, LaPervis Griffin looks on

Return of Fark Friday?

2008-09-05T13:51:00.007-06:00

Now, that's just effing rude. As well as terribly, terribly accurate. Credit goes to comedic genius(es) Gump4Heisman [HT: nafoom] Click here to see all 15 alternate (uncencored) covers.

SEC Power Poll - Week 1

2008-09-04T06:22:00.004-06:00

Copied from Garnet and Black Attack. I had some technical difficulties posting my ballot this week, but my votes and comments were included in the greater poll. Enjoy yo-self...

Florida

Florida started slow but ended like a freight train with no breaks.--Hotty Toddy Blog

While the Gators' win over Hawaii was a mite less impressive than the final score made it look, UF still looks like the chief challenger for Bulldog supremacy in the Eastern Division, if not the league as a whole.--Dawg Sports

Hawai'i briefly hung around with the Gators, but eventually provided the resistance of warm jello. I'm still not scarred of that defense.--Georgia Sports Blog

Georgia

A win on the field but a loss on the injury front. Georgia depth is being pushed to the limit this year.--Orange and Blue Hue

If Georgia is the #1 team in the country, they should have shut out Georgia Southern. Did they put in the second string defense in the fourth quarter?--Mississippi State Sports Blog

Ignore the 21 points allowed. [Knowshon] Moreno had three TDs on his own. UGA is still the Class of the league.--Alligator Army

LSU

For a team with a Division I-AA Quarterback, their performance was almost flawless.--Tide Druid

Screw the QB controversy, they have more than enough talent at running back alone to hit double digit wins.--Roll Bama Roll

The way LSU handled App State proves they aren't ready to give up the SEC crown yet.--UK Wildcat Country

That lil QB looked solid. These days I really appreciate solid competent QB play.--Loser With Socks

Alabama

Vic Koenning: "Somebody set up us the bomb!" Nick Saban: "All your Escalades are belong to us."--Tide Druid

Imagine what Saban could do with Clemson's talent.--Orange and Blue Hue

[John Parker Wilson] actually played well and Alabma won in a convincing fashion. It was Clemson though, and they always faceplant in these situations. If Bama plays this way every week they could go to Atlanta.--Red Solo Cup

Auburn

Louisiana-Monroe is not a cupcake. A bear-claw, maybe ...--A Sea of Blue

There won't be any billboards along I-20 after this one. The new O needs some work though, as Kodi Burns and Chris Todd both struggled. However, Burns may become the SEC's hot new dual-threat QB.--Red Solo Cup

No shame here. This team could be like the 2006 Gators with a freakish defense and supercharged offense.--Alligator Army

South Carolina

A tale of two halves was the story in Columbia and thank God that it was against NCSU because if it was a real opponent the score could have easily been the other way.--Leftover Hot Dog

That was a boring game Thursday. But if Spurrier has finally found a competent quarterback to match the Gamecocks' defense, the rest of the division needs to watch out.--Hey Jenny Slater

Maybe the OBC should suit up and take the field at QB.--A Sea of Blue

Mississippi

Welcome back to relevance Rebels.--The Dead Guy

Memphis is not very good, but Ole Miss showed some real promise. The Wild Rebel formation, about the only thing Houston Nutt took away from his year with Gus Malzahn, was a smashing success. All that talk about Ed Orgeron stocking cupboards in Oxford was true, and if Nutt can harness it into something cohesive for a season, the Rebels will finish comfortably ahead of Arkansas and their in-state rival.--Year 2

Nutt has found a solid quarterback in Jevan Snead. If they can beat Wake this weekend, the SEC West all of a sudden becomes very interesting.--Georgia Sports Blog

Tennessee

Defense was outstanding until the last 2 series. Offense looked like a goat chained to the tracks staring at the locomotive coming straight at it. Yikes!--Gate 21

Dead Fat Man Walking.--Deep South Sports

Beginning of the Neuheisel Era. Beginning of the end of the Fulmer Era?--Save the Shield

Kentucky

Solid win for 'Cats in post-Woodson era.--Pelican State Sports

I'm not sure I'm ready to live in a world where Kentucky has an above-average defense. I'm just not.--Joe Cribbs Car Wash

The Wildcats appeared, at best, only intermittently other than awful against an opponent that looked utterly horrible in a contest confirming Louisville's complete fall off of the college football map. The final score is a testament not to U.K.'s competence but to U. of L.'s absolute lack thereof.--Dawg Sports

Vanderbilt

Looked better than expected against Miami (OH). Lots of questions remain, though. This week will be a good test.--Garnet and Black Attack

I think that at the end of the season, Vandy destroys my beloved vols.--Loser With Socks

Arkansas

Thank God for Mississippi (State).--Razorback Expats

Good news for the Hogs: at least they won. More good news: Bobby Petrino didn't quit at halftime to take a high school job.--Save the Shield

Arkansas outgained WIU 394-262, committed just four penalties, went 7-11 on third downs, and yet was still down by 10 points in the fourth quarter. That's some special kind of voodoo right there. Three turnovers, a reported six or so drops by receivers, and a 13:23 deficit in time of possession are troubling. This could be a long, long year in Fayetteville.--Year 2

Mississippi State

For shame.--The Auburner

Maybe in '09 State can just start the season with an automatic 0-1 record and skip the actual playing of the game? Seems like they'd avoid some embarrassment that way.--Joe Cribbs Car Wash

Bama's Back...Again...No Seriously, Asshole

2008-09-02T16:04:00.014-06:00

[ht: Daniel]

If magazine covers added up to national championships, consider this "13." Apparently the editor over at SI was the recipient of a Bear Bryant organ back in '83. Jeebus.

Everybody loves an underdog (unless said underdog is wearing a houndstooth baseball cap) ...I call it "The Gump Effect."

[last year's fellatio]
[The time Bama was almost back]

Wherefore Art Thou, Julio?

2008-09-02T14:17:00.011-06:00

VS

Surely there's been a mother effing mistake. From SECSports.com...

SEC FRESHMAN OF THE WEEK
BRANDON BOLDEN
Running Back
OLE MISS
5-11 • 215
Baton Rouge, La. (Scotlandville Magnet)

Bolden led Ole Miss with 76 yards rushing on eight carries in the Rebels’ 41-24 win against Memphis.
He added a 10-yard touchdown run in the fourth quarter giving the Rebels a 41-17 lead.
Bolden also threw a 37-yard halfback pass to quarterback Jevan Snead that helped set up a Rebel field goal in the second quarter.

WTFYMFAF!!?! Wait...Is "Brandon Bolden" some pseudo name for The Julio? Cause the only "Brandon Bolden" I know of was some non-dreamy three-star "athlete." What could he possibly know about outstandingness?

What is this Brandon's vertical? Where are his erotic preseason photographs? Has Brandon ever testified at a murder trial? Has Mr. Bolden ever even been accused of owning an Escalade, much less driven one? I think Not. Fact is, nobody touches themselves when they think of "Brandon Bolden." He doesn't even have a gosh damn face, while Julio is the face of all things classy and traditional.

These types of things need be taken into consideration for some stupid award such as "SEC Freshman of the Week."

Julio Jones: The People's Freshman of the Week

What a Wonderful Gosh Damn Weekend

2008-09-01T12:04:00.013-06:00

Can Houston shoulder the hopes and dreams of good Rebels everywhere?

So much to say, so little time. It was a lovely day in Oxford...I'll say that much. Is Ole Miss Back? Well, I don't mean to go all "Tider" on ya, cause they're certainly not 60's back, but very likely Tuberville/Cutcliffe back (read: 6-8 wins). First time the Rebs scored 40 since Eli's senior season, and that's huge since the D is suspect at best. True test is Wake on ABC this Saturday.

Here's the highlights of the Rebel's Houston Nutt revival with requisite annoying, repetitive hard rock music...

Dexter McCluster is a bad little water bug (#22 seen above receiving footballs and orchestrating the McClusterf**k/Wild-Rebel offense) Like I didn't already tell you that. The jury's still out on Snead.

The SEC, with a clear UT win this evening, is staring down the barrel of an 11-1 opening weekend. So, in my opinion, other than Mississippi State and Arkansas, the SEC ain't too shabby. Even Kentucky and Vandy notched convincing victories.

Wait, the reigning SEC coach of the year got Croomed by a mid level Sun-Belt team? Who could have seen that coming?

The Hawgs looked like G.I. drainage on Saturday in their comeback victory over Western Iowa or some such titty baby team. Yeah...about that. Don't see so many Arkies talking shit about Ole Miss' Nutt hire now do we? Good luck with all that "b,b,but the cupboard is bare" talk, Hawgs. It gets old after a few years. Trust me.

As far as the top teams in the league, look for my SEC Power Poll ballot in the next few days.

Why so many Ole Miss students should be punched in the face [friendsoftheprogram]

College Football Season + 1 Thoughts

2008-08-29T06:51:00.003-06:00

Teams that look damn good:

Wake Forest - (41-13 over Baylor) The fact that this tiny, no-footballcentric-history havin' school is a pre-season Top 25er is damn impressive in itself. They showed why last night. Skinner threw three TDs to zero picks (all with his clothes on), Swank, the kicker, was 2 of 2....The Deacons scored double digits in each quarter save the fourth. Grobe's boys just put up efficient offense. Yeah, it was Baylor, but the Bears are no Sun-belt bitches. Wake has earned every bit of respect they will receive this season with great coaching and smart play. If Ole Miss doesn't kick Memphis' ass this weekend, look for some extreme uglyness next week when the Rebs visit Winston-Salem.

Georgia Tech - (41-14 over Jax St.) I'd say Techies have to be happy with what they saw last night in Paul Johnson's debut (my #1 "Real Coach" of 2007's coaching search). Typically, you want to put up half-a-hundred on these D-IAA schools, and GT was on pace with 27 points in the first half (yeah, they kinda backed off in the second, what of it?) Sidenote: Even so, Tech wasn't playing your typical lower division, no-talent-ass-clowns. Perrilloux played mediocre-like with two TDs and two picks, 22-37 for 136? (that has to be the worst per-pass average evah: 6.18 yards per completion???) Well, hope young Ryan's enjoying like in the middle of effing nowhere (and that's by Alabama standards).

Miami - (52-7 over Charleston Southern) I don't know too much about this game, but Miami won a game like a Miami team should over a lowly D-IAA opponent. Next week is the true test when tha thUgs roll into Gainesville for a sampling of SEC speed and Tebow badassery. Sidenote: Mountain Brook's own Tribble Reese threw the Charleston Southern's only TD in this game. (what an aptly named "brookie")

In closing, I want to say, screw ESPN and their box scores. The one consistent thing that people still come to your crapass site for and you go and screw it up (God forbid we actually trust you with opinion, much less factual information). Now, the scores default to show you only games that are on the "ESPN Networks." Well eff you, you money grubbing, ignorant sluts. CBS sportsline, you had me at hello.

Enjoy the rest of this blessed weekend. I'll be in Memphis and Oxford for the debut of the Powetron HD and The Houston Nutt experience. Reports next week on all the action and my SEC Power Poll.

Nothing Says "Check out My New Jumbotron" Like "Finding Nemo"

2008-08-28T13:32:00.005-06:00

Ole Miss is actually preparing to use their 6 Million dollar, Largest HD TV in the SEC (for at least half-a-season, asshole) by testing annimated Disney DVDs on that sumabitch. Maybe's it's an omage to ESPN's parent company for dropping 2.25 B-b-b-Billion on the SEC for broadcasting rights. Only at Ole Miss...

If there's one thing I know, it's that college football fans and animated Disney movies go together like Kige Ramsey and the bitches.

[friendsoftheprogram]

SEC Coaches Power Poll

2008-08-20T08:50:00.005-06:00

shots on Shelley Meyer...no, not literally, dirtbag

As part of Garnet and Black Attack's 2nd annual SEC POWER POLL, we, the members, will obviously be completely unbiasedly ranking the SEC teams 1-12 this season. HOWEVER, to start this thing off right, "cocknfire" has asked us, his colleagues, to rank the coaches from 1 thru 12. It's a Herculean task, but eff it. I've got spare time.

SEC FOOTBALL COACHES

1. Urban Meyer - The compete package. He's so good it's scary. Recruiting, gameplanning, improv, motivation, media savvy. If only I could get his sissified crying out of my head.

2. Mark Richt - Had to learn on the job, but it's finally coming together for him. Richt's in his prime. The kind of coach you wouldn't mind taking home to Momma, if you're into that sort of thing. About as polished and poised as they come.

3. Tommy Tuberville - Big Game Badass. Squeezes the most out of his players. Wins with a smart defense, but historically has trouble developing the passing game (obviously, set to change in '08) Prone to occasional game-long mental-farts (see: '08 UGA, South Florida, or MSU)

4. Steve Spurrier - Still a great football mind, just not playing with the stacked deck he inherited at UF in the 90's. Appears to loathe all aspects of CFB other than play-calling the offense. Gamecock experiment growing old? Didn't vote for Duke for the first time this season because he apparently hates David Cutcliffe.

5. Les Miles - Hate to say it, but this guy just wins football games. Can't too much argue with that. He may very well be a prickly dumb prick, just with Gump-like luck, but he's certainly doing something right. I know, he's got more talent than Marisa Miller, but still. That'll only get you so far. Even back at OK State he was doing big things with far less.

6. Nick Saban - If this were "most powerful" or "best recruiter" or even "inverse height-to-ego ratio" Saban would be numero uno. However, Nick's overall coaching leaves tons to be desired. In fact, his recruiting is pretty much the only good thing I can say about him. Discipline? In Game skills? Motivation? He's not exactly lighting the world on fire when it comes to actual football between the hedges in T-town. (to borrow one of his favorite preachy words) At least not relative to expectations.

7. Houston Nutt - Now here's the polar opposite of Nick Saban. A man of the people...loves the media, loves his coaches and his players. Even loves to motivate...except he couldn't give two shits about recruiting. He's very comparable to Tuberville in this regard. Consummate winner of the "does more with less" award. Great football mind and surrounds himself with quality assistants. Never gonna ascend these rankings until he starts to take it all a little more serious.

8. Phillip Fulmer - Has-been. Football is passing Phil by. Has the keys to one of the SEC's proudest programs yet he continues to fart around and crap the bed. Tons of talent, but little leadership. Consistent winner of the "does less with more" award. How many more seasons will a 10-year-old Championship buy you on Rocky Top?

9. Bobby Petrino - His record says a lot, but that's little league, Big East stuff. Give me a season against big boy defenses (SEC speed, bitch) before I move him anywhere up this list.

10. Rich Brooks - What can I say, Kentucky's no joke anymore. When you take a perennial laughingstock and in due time develop a team that takes out the eventual national champions on the road. That's effing saying something. But Rich has yet to move the Wildcats past the Music City Bowl.

11. Bobby Johnson - Look, he's obviously a pretty good coach, and going to a bowl with Vandy is the equivalent of winning the National title with LSU, but every time he gets a legitimate chance at, well legitimacy, his team craps itself. Sure, go beat Georgia, Tennessee and Ole Miss...then lose to Middle Tennessee. Can't give you too much credit Bob.

12. Sly Crooms - received every lucky break a coach could get last year to finish 8-5 (read: State won every close game) Don't expect that to happen two years in a row. Yeah, time for Croom to get Munsoned a time or two. Oh yeah, State has yet to field an offense under this former NFL offensive coordinator.

SEC vs. The Big Ten

2008-08-20T06:00:00.001-06:00

Ryan Parker, King of all football-centric musicians (an elite group), declares a victor in this age old battle, and despite what ESPN/ABC/Disney would tell you, The Big Ten better get it's ass in the kitchen and make The SEC a sandwich, STAT! (that's right I said it, asshole)

Parker's latest brought a tear to my eye. A very convincing and passionately delivered piece. Strong work, Bradyfan...

More videos from the "ryanparkersongs's channel" channel at Heavy.com

[HT: The new and improved www.thewizofodds.com]

The Kige Party

2008-08-19T06:28:00.005-06:00

I think it's pretty obvious that I haven't been "on the blogging ball" lately, and for that I apologize. Some developments in the non-online world are keeping me away for the moment (should have some preseason-esque content arriving soon).

I feel as if I've hit a blogging wall...who can I relate to in times such as these?

In this quagmire I find myself, I take a deep breath and turn to Kige Ramsey. He's like Dave Ramsey, but useful. Here's one of Kige's recent late night, Olympic updates where he teaches us viewers how to push through the tough spots... How to rebound with grace and dignity firmly intact. Nothing fazes this guy.

I think of Kige as "a Scotch man"

Man Love Don't Rule, OK?

2008-08-13T07:06:00.003-06:00

These fancy Brits think they can come thru Alabama and have a jolly good laugh at our expense? I'll let the boys handle this...

tears of pride

Bama Fan of the Week - Ob-la-de, Ob-la-da!

2008-08-12T07:55:00.016-06:00

Joey Barrett Jr.

Remember this stud?

On November 18th, 2005, the night before the annual Iron Bowl between Auburn and Alabama, Joey Barrett, Jr., a lifelong Alabama fan and now 25, went to a fraternity party at Auburn and yelled “Roll Tide!” A brawl then broke out, with Barrett stabbing one of the fraternity brothers.

The brother was hospitalized with a collapsed lung. Two others who were lucky enough not to get stabbed were also hospitalized.

Yeah, well somehow, almost three years later, Joey's still making his UAT brethren proud. As The Sporting Blog and al.com reported, not only is Joeseph a stabby, mixed marshal arts douchebag...He also bribes retarded people. [letting that thoroughly sink in] Quite the resume builder...

The defense attorney in the 2006 trial told jurors that Louie Holtz, now 40, of Mobile, would admit to get ting caught up in the fight and testify that it was he, not Barrett, who stabbed the fraternity brothers. The judge in the case, however, ordered Holtz to secure counsel, noting that Holtz had previously been declared mentally retarded.

Holtz's attorneys subsequently advised him not to testify.

Because the jurors had already heard that someone else was going to admit to the stabbings, however, the judge declared a mistrial. Abbett said investigation into the case continued after the trial, eventually revealing that Barrett had offered Holtz a car in exchange for taking the heat on the assault charges.

OK, this wasn't just incredibly, dreadfully god-awful, but it seems pretty feeble-minded to me. Can retarded folk even drive? It's kinda like trying to bribe me with free birth control pills or a Boeing 747. Not so fast, Tider!

Wonder what Corky thinks about this mess...

In related news, how amazing is it that the special dude's name is Lou Holtz?

Why Do People Talk Smack About Memphis?

2008-08-12T06:39:00.008-06:00

My hometown always gets a bad rap. Here, watch some local news, and you'll see what nice, Christian families and Fortune 500 companies have grown to love about The Bluff City.

I've killed for less; Burr's expensive

Badass

2008-08-11T07:25:00.009-06:00

This morning, I had some extra freedom toast with my cereal. In a few hours, I'll be at Milo's eating my hamburger and freedom fries, like a true American. Biggie sized, asshole. That's how we do.

Seriously. Most amazing Olympic moment since 1980? I think so. But I'm partial. Check out this HD screencap youtubes and see if you don't feel proud to be a Gosh Damn American:

(thank the video Nazis at NBC for the high quality...best embeddable version I could find)

Update: Apparently Youtube hates freedom, so I went elsewhere.

Deep Thoughts

2008-08-07T15:59:00.005-06:00

A thinking man's game

Who says College Football fans aren't high-functioning? This...This is downright philosophical.

When asked "why does the defense always seems to dominate the offense in the early days of fall camp?"...

"The goal of the defense is disruption, while the goal of offense is organization. It's just a whole helluva lot easier to create havoc than to prevent it."

- EtOHreb

That's just good internet. Well stated, sir. I think we, as college football fans, can apply this quote to all aspects of our lives. You're welcome.

Guess Who the Media Has Slated for the BCS

2008-08-07T08:32:00.007-06:00

Get Ready for the Same Old Shit

"Loading up for another title FAIL"

Eventually, they're gonna win one if given a-half-dozen chances...then we'll never hear the end of it (Vanderbilt might even win one if they were ushered into the BCS Championship game every year) Is the big 10 this weak? Has college football sold out to Kirk Herbstreit this much? Screw those guys. I'm already pissed and the season hasn't even started.

[Here's SI's Worthless Preseason Ranking of all 119]

Bama Fan of the Week?

2008-08-06T07:39:00.013-06:00

Reader LSU-David sent us a lovely image from his vacation to the nuevo Redneck Riviera, Destin, FL.

His testimony claims these fine specimen are Tiders, and the evidence is extremely compelling. If only David could have walked by, raised a Busch light and proclaimed, "RTR, Baby!!!" for confirmation purposes...

clickage to enlarge

The Story, as told by LSU-David:

My wife, child and I got to the beach about 9:45am on this morning and proceeded to the two chairs and an umbrella that was provided by the rental. We noticed some rather interesting characters "erecting a tent" in our area and at the time they were wearing Alabama gear (hats and t-shirts).

After about an hour, the tent was up, the death metal blaring out of their "Dewalt" construction radio, and the bama gear came off! I guess they don't make a bama bikini! [houndstooth business venture?] 1:20 minutes into the events, they proceeded to light up cigarettes, within 20 feet of my two year old.

Wow. Thanks, David. Your MS Paint-work was just an added bonus. As brother Dave alluded to in the rest of his email, when the LSU fanbase is questioning your class, you might want lay down the filterless Pall-Malls and take a long, hard look in the mirror.

My Rant: Destin = PCB on Valtrax. The quaint little fishing village has developed into quite the bloated whore. The above imagery is the perfect example of why I've given up on this section of the beach. It's gone mainstream, and as the geniuses at Sweetwater says, "don't float the mainstream." Next thing you know, Destin's gonna pop up with it's own NHL team or something ("The Emerald Coast Trash-Kats?")

I used to frequent Destin in college, and it served it's purpose. But I've clearly matured (right?) and things locally have gone down hill, fast. I like my vacations a little more relaxing, less trafficy and disease free. I don't get enough days off to pay for Destin's crap.

[Another Tider classin-it-up at the beach]
[Loserswithsocks doing my work for me]

Better Call Your Bookie

2008-08-05T12:29:00.005-06:00

Kige's Gone Public with His SEC Prognostications

Listen, I hate to go to the "Ramsey well" too often (if that's even possible) but this youtubes is hot off the press and it will not be ignored.

Kige is in mid-season form with tons of mini-helmets, suspenseful pauses and cheeky shenanigans! As one early commenter stated, "From 1:35 to 2:00 is the greatest 25 seconds in the history of the Kige Ramsey Show...." No Doubt.

Like I've said from day one, the sooner JP/LF/Raycom Sports gives Kige a permanent, on-air weekly gig...the better. He's the Dave Rowe of our generation.

Life Intrudes This Monday

2008-08-04T05:49:00.004-06:00

I'm gonna be out of the blogging pocket until Tomorrow, Tuesday. Then I'll be back with some analysis of Friday's Finebaum show and the lovely aftermath.

Mr. Finebaum?

2008-08-01T11:21:00.012-06:00

Today, at roughly 3:06 central, The Paul Finebaum Radio Network has requested a convo with yours truely concerning what I do in my free time (read: gardening!) as well as yesterday's groundbreaking "Bama Ain't Back in '08" piece. Be sure to tune in and hear me bumble and stumble through the entire segment.

It is my hope that Paul and I can be just as comfortable and candid as he and Saban were while chillin on lake Karle.

Listen at 94.5 FM in Central Alabama or online [finebaum.com]

By the way, my time on Finebaum was brought to you by Razorgator. Razorgator is a ticket broker with over 30 years of service, and they provide tons of hard to get NFL and College Football tickets. So don't screw around when it comes to your SEC Football experience this fall. Get your tickets at Razorgator.

Top 10 Reasons Bama Ain't "Back" In 2008

2008-07-31T15:44:00.019-06:00

This is dedicated to all the Tider's honest 9-3, 10-2, 11-1 predictions that I've had the pleasure of hearing on Birmingham sport talk this summer. It's quite the vomitous affair. Be it a Friend of Bama conversing about "a '08 champyunship" or discussing how The Tide would soo hypothetically skulldrag numerous lower level NFL franchises. Be that as it may, in friendly retaliation, I give you The Top 10 Reason's Bama Ain't "Back" in '08:

1. John Parker Wilson is still the quarterback. Bama fans seem to quickly forget how much blame and hate they laid at poor Sarah Jessica's feet in 2007. Talk about a nose dive. He's not necessarily as bad as some Alabama fans would have had you believe (last season when they hated him)...He's just not really that good either. Expect more of the same here.

2. 3rd offensive coordinator in as many years. I love how fair Major Applewhite now takes all the heat for the underwhelming performance in two-thousand-Saban. Doth Saban not err?

3. There's only one experienced/talented linebacker on a squad that needs about eight. Remember...Saban fancies a 3-4 Defense, and that's gonna be damn tough with a couple 180-pound, honky walk-ons roaming the defensive backfield. (Scared, say "scared!!")

4. It's an even year (as in '08), so the schedule is hard as balls. @ Athens, @ Knoxville, @ Baton Rouge and @ Fayettenam. Luckily for the Tide, LA Monroe rolls off the schedule, but the War Hawks are replaced with equally-as-impressive (pfffff) Arkansas State, Western-Kentucky and Tulane. Oh yeah, Clemson is a preseason top 10 team that played its last game in The Georgia Dome (against Auburn). Guess where they play Alabama to kick off the season? (The Tiders might need more than one quality LB to stop the best RB tandem in the nation) All this to say, going .500 with this year's schedule will be a vast improvement over last season's cake walk 6-6.

5. Bama fans love to talk about how they were "one missed tackle from beating BCS Champyun LSU" or "one play away from beatin' Georgia." "We was so gosh damn close to 9 wins baby. RTR!!!" Odd. Somehow they fail to mention that they were "one play away" from losing to Ole Miss, Houston, Arkansas and Colorado. Seriously. effing 9 wins? Try 3. 6-6 isn't looking so bad, now is it?

6. Saban has developed a reputation, and it's not a good one. Forget his reputation in the media, how does his obtuseness (putting it kindly) effect the program on-the-field? Well, why do you think he always seems to hire supposed "young, up-and-comers" as "coordinators?" Because nobody already worth a shit will work for him. To have a great program, you must have great assistants (see: Tommy Tuberville). You either have to develop them or you have to get lucky (see: Saban at LSU). Notice where Jimbo and Muschamp are now? Sitting on sweet gigs with two of the friendliest, most laid back Head Coaches in college football. Saban's like a evil, psycho ex-girlfriend to those guys, and they're waving everybody else off of her skank-ass.

7. Saban doesn't seem to think that motivating his team is the head coach's business. It's been documented that Saban's bringing in sports psychologists and various other work/life gurus. Like so many misguided father figures with a fat bankroll, he's decided to throw a bunch a money at the "character" and "motivation" issues of his crimson family. (dramatic pause) But what these at-risk youth really need is a hug. That and maybe a pre-game 8-ball. Which leads me to my next point...

8. The Players appear to hate playing football for Saban. They're not having fun and they most certainly quit on his 4 million dollar ass in two-thousand-saban. To the players and the staff, he comes across with all the warmth and concern of an Iraqi dictator/soccer coach. Plus, it doesn't help when a coach deflects all the blame for a loss toward his ~~subjects~~ players. That's never a crowd pleaser. When something goes wrong in 2008 (and it will) look for the physical incarnation of the players telling Nicky to "go to hell." (see: last season's tailspin)

9. General Bad Karma resulting from all the cop fighting, pit bull breeding, dope smoking and crack rock slangin', motha f***a!

10. What does "Bama's Back" even mean these days? In my humble definition it would mean at least, "back to Atlanta," and that's a tall order for such an underwhelming group. The road to "backness" is paved with land mines. Not the least of which is LSU in Red Stick and Auburn at Bryant-Denny(where, as you know, they've never, ever beat The Tigers) So when will "the tide rise?" When will Bama be truely and unequivocally "back?" By gawd...When can the Tiders print some new, witty tee-shirts?

Don't worry though. Next year is the year.

Kige is "Hands On" with his "Self Check-Out"

2008-07-30T14:40:00.009-06:00

I think I'm really starting to get Kige on a much deeper level. This youtube is clearly not just about mega-corporate retail shopping. No, no. Read between the lines, people. Open your damn eyes and Behold... The enlightening brilliance of Ramsey...

enter and exit through lawn and garden?

Crooms Is Quite The Disciplinarian

2008-07-30T10:08:00.006-06:00

Can I call Croom a P.O.S.? Is that acceptable? Maybe Croom's just playing the hand he was dealt...Maybe's it more the National/Regional/local media's brainwashed view of Crooms that pisses me off so.

From May 6th, 2008:

Brown and Wesley waived their right to a grand jury hearing and pleaded guilty last Friday to the felony of bringing firearms onto educational property. They faced up to three years in prison. Howard said Wesley's sentence was longer because he has a simple assault conviction on his record.

Brown and Wesley were arrested March 27 after an altercation that started off campus earlier in the day, then continued near several residence halls that evening.

Campus police Detective Don Bartlett "described it as a stare-down kind of deal," Clark said of testimony offered to Howard on Tuesday.

The two were kicked off the team and dismissed from the university soon after their arrests.

Three other players still face grand jury indictment for what coach Sylvester Croom has called an indirect connection to the cases of Brown and Wesley.(they were hiding the gun)

Croom told fans in Tupelo last week that former starting cornerback Anthony Johnson, reserve linebacker Jamon Hughes and reserve defensive lineman Rodney Prince are not enrolled in school. Hughes likely will transfer, while a spokesman said Johnson and Prince could still return to Mississippi State, depending on the outcome of the grand jury hearing in July.

Today, July 30, 2008:

STARKVILLE, Miss. – Mississippi State University re-admitted Bulldog football student-athletes Anthony Johnson, Rodney Prince and Jamon Hughes to the institution, it was announced Wednesday.

Johnson, Prince and Hughes had withdrawn from the university during the 2008 spring semester and were required to re-apply.

“I hope that all of our players have learned a valuable lesson from this situation,” Croom said, “and understand there are consequences of making bad decisions and choices."

The only consequence these boys will endure is the NCAA rule that requires you to sit a year after you voluntarily withdrawal from school (to avoid imminent expulsion????).You're right Crooms. These guys were only aiding and abetting a felony.

Way to keep your rep, brah.

From now on I'm on a mission. Let this be a warning...Any joke-of-a-national/regional/local journalist who mentions "Croom" and "Discipline" or "Character" or "Example" or even "Strong Black Man" in the same sentence, I will hunt you down. I will hunt you down and give you the crippling nut-punch you so obviously deserve. I am a man of character.

PREEMPTIVE WARNING: No one is saying that numerous schools don't do this same shit. They surely do, (some more desperate than others) however those other offenders typically aren't constantly pretending to be some bastion of "high character" and "discipline."

Mindless Morning Youtubery - 770/404 (and Beyond) Edition

2008-07-30T09:43:00.011-06:00

An oldie but a goodie from beautiful "Disgusta," Gawga. Welcome to the Summers in tha DeepSouth, my brotha...

[cussin']

[HT: Rob, for reminding me]

EDIT: To add a double dose of Gawga thuggery. Many of you've seen this one, but there ain't no way I couldn't not include this in my Peach State feature. Only in SEC Country. Go Braves.

Could be a crackhead?

[HT: James & Burton Bulldog]

The SEC Is About To Get POWEnd

2008-07-29T08:33:00.006-06:00

Here Jerrell is seen with some stupid, skinny white kid (most likely a walk-on)

While this is obviously earth shattering news in North Mississippi (and very few points beyond!) I can see the turdulent signage now (take this post's title for example).

Ole Miss fans are akin to that Inigo Montoya dude from The Princess Bride. After four years of trial, tribulation, and illiteracy scandals, now that Jerrell Powe has been cleared to play SEC Football, most Reb fans don't know what the hell to do with their various lives. What partisan, college-football-related injustice should they champ'yun?

Let's be honest here. The fans just want to see this 6'2" 330 lb offensive-line-decimating beast-child get a fair shot at a decent education, right?

My favorite quote from Rivals:

"Anybody ready for a Powe-boy sandwich?"

Does Jerrell have a brother? Where do I sign on for this?

Bama Fan of the Week - Twofer

2008-07-24T14:46:00.008-06:00

EDSBS and The Sporting Blog's Spencer Hall is doing his thing at SEC Media Days. Here, Spence encounters one of the many Tiders that make the yellowhammer state so damn special.

399 effing dollars?!? I wonder what the Mike Shula prints are going for in the discount bin at Bammer Fever?

Oh, and just because I'm gonna be out of town starting tomorrow, I'm feeling generous...Keep the Bama party going with this stud...

Huh. didn't know Bama had Canadian fans. What's more kick ass? Custom jorts or a custom jean jacket?

I'm Embarrassed for this Tool

2008-07-24T14:10:00.004-06:00

"Welcome to Mississippi State, Freshmen! Sit back and relax as this motivational douche bag teaches you, in the most annoyingly white way possible, about our rich tradition of straight thuggery..."

[sixpackspeak]